Bullet in the Heart - Professor Lupin

I love you but no fucking way

TW: Before reading this chapter please be aware that it includes mentions of self harm, please read with caution if you are sensitive to this topic, you can just skip the chapter and a short summary will be in the next chapter :)

I was on my way back to the Hufflepuff common room hoping the others hadn't gone off wandering without me. I was angry at Snape and Flint and the Slytherins, none of them gave a shit and I was the one getting in trouble for their mistakes. I was fed up of being ignored and taken advantage of. None of my friends knew, they knew that I gotten around and not always wanted to but they didn't know what really happened. I was afraid to tell them in fear of judgement or in fear that it would spread and people would think I was lying. I was not open with my feelings and that was why not even May knew about the mess gathering in my mind. They knew I had a tricky situation with my dad and of course the pain I felt through my mother's death but much more wasn't shown so they didn't notice. They were good friends and I don't blame them, I am good at hiding it but it is just exhausting sometimes.

I reached the common room and entered to see Tom and May playing a game of wizards chess and Jake watching from the other side of the sofa rooting for May. Their eyes shot at me as they heard the door open, their faces changed instantly from joy to fear. I didn't want to give anything away so I just gave off a smile in reassurance.

"Merlin Iris where have you been?" Tom shouted as his queen was smashed to the floor by May's proud knight. Three sets of eyes waited eagerly for my response.

"I had to talk to Snape and Sprout"

"And?!" May said anxiously.

"I'm all good", I gave off another fake smile, "just a detention".

"That's all? Dude you're so lucky!" Jake laughed.

"Ye", I tried to push the anger down, "Lucky...". I wish I could explain and tell them that I wasn't lucky, but I couldn't. I walked over slowly to the sofa and sat down in between May and Jake. The vibe in the room had turned awkward, we were the only ones in the common room aside from a group of first years fretting about their potions essay in the corner.

"Dude", May nudged me, "What's up with you?" she had noticed me zone out and my leg was bouncing on the aged floor boards making them squeak in annoyance. I didn't look at her, instead kept my focus on the the opposite wall. "Let's go", May pulled me up and led me off to our dorm. I knew she had noticed that something was off but as I said before talking about my feelings wasn't something I liked to do.

"What has been up with you lately?" May looked disappointedly at me, as if she was angry I hadn't told her about it. I stayed silent and avoided eye contact, "Is this about your eating?" I looked up in utter surprise and caught her eye.

"WHAT?" I shouted at her angry that she would even bring it up.

"Don't pretend Iris", she shouted back at me, "Don't even try! Do you think I don't notice the single banana you eat on the one day you come to breakfast or the two beans you eat at lunch? Do you not think I see the sadness in your eyes Iris?" I kept my eyes focused upon the window as she shouted at me, "Iris I'm your best fucking friend, I know you!" her breath ran out and she paused for a second to re collect herself.

"NO MAY!" I shouted back angry, "You don't know me, you know nothing about me! You don't know how I'm feeling or my problems so don't you dare pretend that you do" I stared right into her watering eyes, "I have so much shit going on and the most exhausting part of it all is to keep it all from you so please don't make it harder!" my eyes began to sting as the tears tried to get through.

"Iris! You don't have to keep it all from us. You can tell me anything, I can help you", her voice had lowered into one of sympathy instead of anger.

"Don't you understand? I can't! I've been fighting against it for so long but I can't May, I just can't", I didn't know what to say.

"Why Iris? Why can't you just talk to me?" her tears began to rapidly speed down her face pulling dark marks of mascara along with them, "Is it because you have trust issues from all the boys that have fucked you over?"

"STOP!" I shouted back.

"Or is it because of your abandonment issues, because your dad doesn't give a shit about you?"

"Please stop!" the tears had made it through.

"Or is it because it's all just in your head? Maybe you need help Iris? Huh? Maybe it's you that's fucked up not everyone else. Ever thought of it that way?" May had turned vicious with her comments but her tears continued through it.

"May stop! You don't understand" I tried to argue through my stuttered words as my mouth filled with salty tears that I could no longer hold back.

"What don't I understand Iris? You have been pushing me away ever since your mum died! We used to talk about everything! You know my life isn't that easy either, I go through shit as well", May made a good point but I wasn't in the right mind set to accept that fact.

"Of course I have. Do you know how much fucking pain that caused me? Do you know how difficult the last years have been for me? I just can't do this anymore", I pleaded as my body dropped to the floor in pain.

"Iris I have been by your side through everything why can't you just talk to me, let me help you?"

"Look man I love you but no fucking way" I mumbled through flowing tears.

"No Iris clearly you don't love me so stop living a lie and stop pushing people away because I've had enough of it. Someday the people you say you 'love' won't come back, they won't care and they won't help so for fucks sake Iris for once just talk", I stayed silent, the silence lasted for another five minutes but was constantly interrupted with deep signs and sniffs. After five minutes May heaved herself up and stumbled to the door with a wet face and tired eyes, "Fuck you Iris", and with that she was out the dorm door and I was left alone to mourn alone. I was alone again and had once again pushed away someone who loved me. I felt so guilty, I shouldn't be here my mind told me. My head hurt as bad thoughts crowded it quickly:

no one needs you

waste of space

just go no one will miss you

you'll be happier when you are gone

EXTREME TW:

I lifted my heavy body off the floor and walked to the bathroom. My shaking hands turned the scratched silver key in the lock to the right. I fell to the floor again and this time hit the hard yellow tiled floor. It was cold. I reached for the drawer under the sink and pulled out my metal razor. My heart and mind suffered. I pulled the gleaming blade out of the structure, one side had a small speck of blood stained on it from the last time my mind was so crowded and my heart hurt so badly, the last time I just needed a release. I felt the cold gush down my wrist as I felt a weight lifted off me. This was my way of coping, as bad as it was, it made me feel better. I continued, I felt the pain - the good kind, at least it felt better than the other kind.

I looked down to my arm to see past lines engraved deeply, they had partly faded but my new additions had recovered the past stories that were told upon my arm. I lent my head against the cool wall behind and breathed deeply as I regretted my actions yet was happy with my outcome. The blood still dripped and stained the yellow tiles. I didn't care, not in the moment. In that moment I felt the physical pain take over the mental pain. May's words had really got to me, this was a feeling I didn't feel often as people's words rarely affected me but I though to myself,

was I really just another fake fucked up cause?