Jaded

[45] Delicate

I grab the blanket off of Jay's bed and climb through the window. As expected, it's chilly up here. Still, surprisingly there's a lot more room than I was anticipating. There's even enough space for 3 or 4 of us to nap up here, if we can manage not to roll off while sleeping.

Dad would have an aneurysm if I did something like that though- probably Atty would too.

Tossing the blanket on Jay's head, I settle onto the spot to his left. He grumbles a quick 'thanks' while wrapping half around himself and leaving the remaining portion furrowed beside him, presumably for me.

I take him up on the offer and slide under the other half, bringing my knees to my chest and resting my chin on them. Neither Jay nor I say anything for a while as the faint swish of the wind pushing through the trees below fills the space between us.

Eventually, he sighs. "I know I was a jackass."

Uh huh. I think I'll follow his lead on this one.

When I remain silent, he elaborates, "even though at first I was convinced Atty got into Leo's head, the moment he told me he didn't, I knew he wasn't lying. I knew, but I couldn't shut up."

Oh my god.

"Then..." I pause and take a deep breath. "Why did you keep fighting?"

"I don't know, okay? I just... I don't know."

I turn, trying to get a good look at him. Thankfully, there's light from his room pouring through the open curtains. Even though it's backlit, it's enough to highlight how fast Jay's chest is rising and falling. Enough to underscore the tightness in his jaw and the distant look in his eyes.

"Is it just 'you don't know,' or is it 'you don't know where to begin'?"

Jay doesn't answer, but his breathing continues to speed up.

"Because," I continue, "if it's the latter, then begin anywhere- I'll listen to all of your reasons. And for whatever it's worth, I promise I won't tell anyone and I promise I won't judge."

"I'll be all over the place."

"That's okay."

Even though he doesn't respond verbally, Jay gives me a faint nod. We're silent for a while as his breathing steadily slows down, ultimately stabilizing at a slightly faster-than-usual pace.

Jay takes a deep breath and says, "I'm not just heartbroken because I had a crush on Leo."

"It's okay if you are."

"I know but, there's more to it. For me... for me Leo was the only person that didn't treat me like I'm going to break at any second."

Jay shifts in his spot and pulls the blanket over his head so that just his face peeks through. "Has Atty told you about my car thing yet?"

Holy crap. Before I can stop myself, I blurt, "you know about it?"

He nods. "Of course I do, it's my body that's having a panic attack whenever in a car. Atty thinks I don't know, but I do. I just haven't told him I know because then he'll worry more."

Jay offers me a tiny smile and adds, "I've even been trying to get over it with Pres' help. You know, exposure therapy and all."

I raise an eyebrow, pursing my lips. "I'm happy for you, but that's incredibly dangerous to do on your own."

He shrugs, "the point is, Collette worries about me, Atty worries about me, and as much of a dumbass as she is, Pres also worries about me. I'm not ungrateful or anything, I love them all, but it kind of really pisses me off when everyone acts like I'm delicate- or rather, that I'm only delicate."