Trepidation [Book 1]

Chapter 09: a crack in the wall

Yesterday was spent hiding out in the library studying a little, getting ahead because I already have assignments. The main reason as to why I was there was because Matt didn't leave me no choice in the matter since he kicked me out for his booty call. I originally was going to do another shift at work but I really didn't want to risk seeing Ethan again just yet.

After breaking down in front of him on Saturday, I was humiliated to say the least, and I never want to show my face ever again to him, however we take the same class and I am not dropping it because of him.

Overall, I just feel stupid, and my paranoia got the best of me yesterday, so I sat in the massive library, which was full of students, studying.

The library here always reminds me of a movie set; it doesn't look real. The bookcases are dark oak, they scatter every single wall as well as rows, several behind the other. I love reading, and I love silence so it's kind of my favorite place to go when I crave peace.

Aside from my breakdown, I actually had a really good day with Ethan. I laughed, like really laughed for the first time in so long it seemed, and I just felt totally comfortable around him. I wish I did stay longer and watch him fight Felix, but after crying and everything, I just wanted to get in bed and eat ice cream.

Another bonus was, not only did Leah take over my shift, but she also gave me her tips which was so nice of her. I'm not struggling per se; I have around two-hundred dollars in savings. I know I need to work more but college is my priority. If my grades drop, I have the risk of getting my scholarship taken away, and that is the only good thing in my life, so half day Wednesday, Thursday and now Saturday shifts will hopefully do.

Every single cent I earn, I try to put into savings but it's hard when I still need to buy myself food, clothes and gas for my car. My roommates are very aware of my financial issue and help out as much as possible with buying the groceries and essentials, but I hate asking for help or get given handouts because I feel weak for that.

Every single one of my friends are from privileged families; with credit cards that their parents pay for whereas I don't have that. Growing up my mom and dad tried their best but I never had a college fund, I never had any money set aside for me or my future. I tried very hard in high school so I could go to college, but now I'm here, I'm alone trying to save for when I'm out into the real world.

At the beginning of college, my parents tried as best as they could to help me but then mom got pregnant with Emma, so they couldn't no longer. Now there's hospital bills, insurance and so much to pay at home, so I'm the last thought now. I'm twenty, and I need to do this alone but it's just hard when there's a lot going on.

Being an adult sucks kids, never grow up.

If I was to be kicked out of college today, I would be homeless. I wouldn't have anywhere to go. There's too many bad memories back in New Haven. I would literally have to live in my car. I don't think two-hundred dollars would last me the week, so I would inevitably be screwed.

That's a little shocking really... but at least I'm not getting kicked out college. Well that is if I actually turn up to lessons on time. I'm two minutes late to phycology, and for once I'm hoping that Dr Fanon is late today because that would be a disaster. Sorry if I'm a little bit of a suck up and hate being tardy. 

Bursting through the auditorium door, I thank God that she isn't here but silently curse that Ethan is. I was secretly hoping he forgot that he was taking this lesson but alas, he's sitting right where we were last week, wearing a grey tracksuit, his hood up. I can't blame him; I'm wearing joggers and an oversized hoodie with a pajama top on underneath. I told you, I don't dress to impress anyone.