I Capital L Love You

i still have those endings

July 21st
Dear Oliver,

     So, the reception that night was wonderful.

     Only on the outside.

     The tables were set with pristine white table cloths and gorgeous leafy centerpieces. Fairy lights were strung up over the outdoor dance floor, giving it a whimsical vibe. The morning's fickle weather cooperated just in time for a beautiful sunset that peeked through the trees and bushes at the botanical garden.

     So, yeah, everything was perfect on the outside.

But on the inside? The inside was where things were an ugly mess with a lot of emotional dissonance. Compared to the reception, the ceremony itself was a walk in the park. Well, "a cakewalk" would be a better way to describe it since the reception actually had cake involved, but you know what I mean.

Anyway, my contradictory emotions started soon after you guys arrived, when you had your first dance to All of Me – the very song that made me realize my Love for you all those years ago.

Ouch.

What a wonderful way to start the evening – smiling and cheering as you danced with your wife to a song that I had deemed ours.

But as the seemingly endless song went on, I got the first glimpse of my light at the end of the tunnel.

     Ironically, it came during the line that says, "You're my end and my beginning." That was the exact line that made me realize my Love for you back when we were fourteen and in the backseat of Kent's car.

So, this time around, what did I realize?

     I realized that while you aren't my ending, you're still my beginning.

I remember wanting to be the girl who you experienced all of your firsts and lasts with. I ended up experiencing a select few of my firsts with you, but none of my lasts.

     But that's not what really matters. In sixty years, I'm not going to care that you were my first friend, first crush, first Love, first heartbreak, and so much more. What you were the first to do simply doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

What really matters is you. I got to have some of my firsts with you, and that is enough for me.

     I still have those endings. I will fall in LOVE with someone someday, and they will fall in LOVE with me, too.

     That gave me enough strength to go out on the dance floor and give the obligatory Best Woman toast. I don't want to write my real speech out in this journal because I'd rather not cement that memory on video for eternity, so you're just going to have to trust me when I tell you it was hard for me.

     But you were there, Oliver, so you could definitely tell that it was hard for me to stand up in front of everyone. Public speaking has never been my strong suit, and when you throw in the little fact that I'm in Love with you, giving a speech on your wedding night becomes pretty fucking difficult.

     And I think the worst part about it was talking about our friendship and retelling the story of us. Except it wasn't the true story of us; it was the socially acceptable, respectful half that discarded my feelings.

     I guess that the true story of us is this journal. It has retellings of the good, bad, and ugly moments from the past fifteen years. But reading this version would have been completely inappropriate for your wedding, so I'm going to share what I wish I could have said instead.

     I wish I could have stood up there and said, "Oliver, I Love you. I'm so happy for what you found with Bri, and I wish you two the best, but I wish that you love me as much as I Love you. You've been my best friend for so many years, and I do not know what I would do without you in my life. You have taught me how to find the good in a bad situation, how to laugh, how to stay strong through adversity, and most importantly, how to Love someone with my entire being. That letter L in the Love I have for you is the biggest, boldest capital L out there. It hurts that you don't feel the same way, but I will be happy as long as you are. As your best friend, that is all that has ever mattered to me. So, I wanted to be the first to wish you congratulations, Oliver and Bri Lawson. Here's to many years of happiness and memories."

     I thought about having a moment and saying something snarky in my real speech, but I didn't want to ruin the wedding. And with Travis there as my date and boyfriend, it would have been beyond disrespectful.

At least my duties were over after that point. I was free to take advantage of the open bar and selfishly use other people as a distraction. The buzz of drinking a few glasses of champagne was especially welcome as I watched you guys feed each other cake and do all of the other mushy traditions that make everyone go, "Awww."

The next few hours of the party weren't that memorable. I caught up with a few more friends that I hadn't seen in years and introduced my parents to Travis for the first time. (I didn't plan on doing it, but knowing my meddling mom, I should have known it would happen).

     Near the end of the reception, the rest of the light at the end of the tunnel arrived. It happened as I danced to one of the final love songs of the night with Travis.

As we swayed under the soft lights, I looked up into his brown eyes and realized that I feel something for him. That something is more than a surface-level attraction. It could be love. (Who am I kidding? It probably is LOVE).

And as I glanced over at you, dancing with your bride before your departure, I realized something even bigger that put the dopiest grin on my face.

It isn't a capital and bold L anymore, but I still love you, Oliver Lawson.

     A few months ago, I would have been discouraged and exasperated, but this new version of myself is content with the fact.

     Why? Because there is room in my heart for loving multiple people. A small part of me will always love you and will always be yours, but that is perfectly okay.

T H E   E N D
~•~•~•~••~•~•~•~

a/n: i just wanted to quickly thank anyone who made it to the end of this novella. it's very different from anything i've ever written, so i'm thrilled that 1,000 of you guys liked it! all of the support on all my books has been amazing, and i cannot thank you enough. i'll see you guys in the next one!
- Gemma ♡