Big girls don't cry (Aleida series #1)

29. Avoiding

Aleida POV

I can't look at them... Or even feel their scent right now; I know this happened a long time ago, and I don't have a right to feel the pain that I carry in my heart. I have tried to push away the nagging feeling of betrayal that pulsates within me every time I see my mates.

It's a humiliation to me that they haven't told me this before. Would I be mad? Yes. Would I have been hurt? Definitely. Could I have moved on? No doubt. But now... I don't really know. Had the words come from my mates instead of that woman who touched my mates before I had the opportunity to do so, I would probably have been more comfortable forgiving them for their lies.

Life is a soup, and I have a fork; at least that's how I feel. Darkness and pain that make me want to finish everything once and for all take over my mind. However, it isn't something I can implement; this isn't about me wanting attention or sympathy.

I don't want to end my life, but at the same time, I don't want to exist either; I'm more afraid to live than I am to die. My self-harm behavior, depression, and anxiety aren't always manageable. All the times, I can't control it, and it's when I don't have the control that these thoughts break in to build nests in my mind.

Where they lie and germinate until it's time to strike, and I'm the one who again gets hurt. Because that's the way it is, it's always me who suffers. For once, can't anyone else take over my pain, if only for a day? Can I not live a single day of my life without feeling defective and in constant torment?

The memories that haunt me every night, the nightmares that eat me from within... Why can no one understand this and help me out of it? My eyes are still on the ceiling; my body tells me to get up; otherwise, there'll be an accident in bed. While my brain tells me to stay here, there's no reason to get up.

Our mates are awake and want to talk to us.

I'm grunting and pushing my head down between the pillows, trying desperately to disappear between all the softness and hopefully forget about their disloyalty.

Come on, Aleida. Haven't they suffered enough? Even I begin to forgive them, so why can't you?

I don't know, Lisa! It hurts me to look at them, to know that they have been inside another person, when they knew they have a mate out there. It pains me to the level that I don't know if I can take it anymore...

You shouldn't do anything stupid! I need to talk to Jax and Ryan about this.

Don't; they'll just tell Miliano and Kian, that's a conversation I can happily envision to avoid.

How do you intend to stop me?

She turns off our link and walks away. I sigh soundly from my place in the soft bed and finally decide to stop torturing my poor full bladder; I twitch when the cold surface of the toilet seat meets my warm skin. When I wash my hands, I take the opportunity to look in the mirror.

My markings are virtually gone, which confuses me. Because I don't feel weaker or tired in any way that I do the day my mates have to take me to the pack hospital. Can it be that Hailey's curse died when I killed her, or is that just wishful thinking?

I throw on a pair of gray sweatpants and a thick black sweater with a hood that I pull over my head in an effort to signal my need to be alone. Not that it'll help me when I get into the kitchen. That's where both of my mates are in a heated discussion.

Quiet as a little mouse, I manage to fill a mug with piping hot black coffee; I even succeed to get the newspaper off the table when I walk out the back to sit down at the white café table under the parasol. My eyes close, and I'm enjoying the scent of the forest, the wind, the animals, and the water.