Just Passing

Author's Note

So. That was it. This novel is done. At least in its first draft form. And I really hope you liked it. I started this novel back in the summer of 2019, which means it's taken about two and a half years to write. 

One of the main reasons it took so long is because at certain points I just had to take a step back from this story. I was asking Xander, a fictional character, to do the emotional labor that I wasn't willing to do myself. The more I wrote, the more difficult it became to inhabit his head space. In the end, I wasn't able to finish this story until I came out as trans to more people in my life. 

As of this writing, I'm still not out to most people where I work. Although I am out to one colleague. I've also come out to friends I've had for years who have only known me as Brian. Like Xander, the people I told mostly acted really cool, and after the initial "coming out" everything  remained the same. Luckily, I do not currently have a Steve in my life.

I'm grateful for everything I've learned from Xander. And I am so grateful to have shared this journey with all of you.

-------------

I posted this on my person Facebook Page on March 31st 2021:

Happy Trans Visibility Day!

Please read:

I have a limited number of Facebook friends compared to a lot of people: only 77 the last time I checked. And that's because I try to keep Facebook a place for people who I'd actually stop and talk to if I saw  them on the street. With only a few exceptions, you guys are relatives, real-life friends, or close colleagues. Yet, despite this fact, about half of you don't know a pretty crucial thing about my history.

I was born with a different name and raised with different pronouns. I am a transgender man.

If you didn't know this before, then I apologize for this impersonal way of coming out, but this is the only way I could imagine doing it. Like pulling a bandaid off quickly and all at once.

The reason for this declaration is that lately I've been feeling like a fraud. Using a pseudonym, I've written novels with transgender protagonists. On Twitter, using an anonymous handle, I call for #transvisibility. I rant about how important trans role models are. But, in my "real" life I keep this aspect of my identity hidden.

I've only been able to fade into the masses, to pass as a cisgender straight male, because of the love and acceptance of those of you who have always known me. I am grateful for this life and that my entire adulthood has been experienced and lived as the man who I am. I appreciate and love all of you who took this journey with me and continue to support me and demonstrate strong allyship.

There is no doubt that I benefit from being perceived by society as just some dorky white guy. It's in this assumption that I feel the most comfortable and the most safe. And for good reason. When I present myself as a "trans man", often people don't see me as 100% human. They see the "trans" before anything else. For some reason, that alone turns into a reason to see me as inferior. Lesser. Unimportant. No one wants to feel that way, so, I've kept that detail to myself.

It's been easy to live in this post-closet closet because the "trans" part of my identity is actually a pretty minor part of who I now am. I'm a father. A husband. A teacher. A lazy slob who would rather play video games or listen to a podcast than do projects around the house or go to the gym. Most of the time I see the "trans" part of myself as a medical diagnosis. Something private that doesn't affect anyone, except those in my innermost circle.

But, in the past 5-6 years something has started to change. As transgender rights and movements get more press coverage and media attention, the more acutely I feel the inadequacy of my involvement. Not only am I not an activist, but I'm not even out to most of the people I've met over the last 20 years. I see statistics like, "9 in 10 people say they don't know a trans person," and I feel so guilty. How many of those 9 people know me?

By staying in my comfort zone of passing, I allow other people to stay in their comfort zone of ignorance. I allow the perpetuation of negative stereotypes. I allow the continuation of a damaging status quo. In some corner of my mind I always felt excused from activism because just living a "normal" life seemed radical enough. I know realize that is just cowardly thinking. Even if I don't march or protest or fly a trans flag in front of my house, the very least I can do is share my past with all of you.

If you happen to be one of those 90% of Americans who would report not knowing a trans person, now you know that you in fact do. And, as I hope you know, I'm a pretty chill person. You can DM me whatever and I promise not to be offended.

Thank you you for reading this far. Thank you in advance for your understanding and acceptance.