Merder: Different Circumstances

Chapter Thirty Three

TW - sensitive topic

The next morning, Meredith and Derek woke before their alarm, and laid in silence before they got up, enjoying each other's presence and basking in their excitement. They had took the morning off and told friends that it was for wedding planning, as they were waiting to share the news of their pregnancy with others.

Unlike usual when the alarm finally went off, the two of them were willing to get up, rather than shutting it off and pushing their heads further into the pillows. At breakfast, Ashley continued to be just as excited as they were, insisting that they phoned her after the appointment so that she could find out her siblings due date and all the other important information.

Ashley reluctantly left for school and Meredith cleaned the house, as over the past couple of weeks it had began to look like more of a jumble sale than anything else. As she was doing so, Derek phoned the contractors to see where they were up to, as they had just broken ground the other day.

"One of them is down with a sickness bug, but they seem to be ahead of schedule by a day, so it shouldn't delay them by too much." Derek said as she walked back into the kitchen.

At the mention of sickness, Meredith froze and a wave of nausea washed over her, as she dashed to the nearest bathroom to throw. Derek was quick to follow her, pulling her hair out of her face and rubbing circles on her back soothingly. After a minute of throwing up, which eventually led to dry heaving, Meredith relaxed back into his arms and exhaled heavily.

"Sorry." He whispered, making Meredith giggle slightly.

"All that water I drank for my ultrasound." She sighed, standing up to and drink the recommended amount all over again.

"We can ask the doctor if there's anything you can take to help manage it."

"I want to see if I can go without, those medications can make you really tired and I could do without that."

"Whatever I can do, let me know." Derek said, coming up behind her to place a kiss on her shoulder.

Their drive to the hospital was filled with conversations of the new house and how the nursery would be decorated, which was mostly based off ideas Ashley had pitched to them in the previous week. When they arrived at the hospital, Derek parked their car further to the back of the parking lot and they used one of the more secluded entrances, in hope of not being noticed by any of their friends.

"Do you know who's working today?" Meredith asked as they walked over to the maternity ward.

"I think Dr. Ryan is working, there's a couple of doctors completing their fellowship in that department and Addison got back from her Christmas visit to LA a couple of weeks ago." Derek said, and he felt Meredith visibly tense at the mention of his ex-wifes name. "It's fine Mer, I've asked reception for her to not be our doctor."

"Thank you."

After they had signed in, the two of them sat waiting hand-in-hand in a corner of the waiting room, grateful that none of their friends had walked into the department. Addison had walked past them a couple of times and when she realised who they were, she gave them a small smile and a nod of her head, but said nothing. They just hoped she would have the decency to not tell their whereabouts to everyone.

"Meredith Grey." A nurse called, walking them through to an exam room and taking the basic details from Meredith. "Okay, if you just want to remove your pants and then sit back on the exam tables, Dr. Johnson will be through in a minute."

Meredith did as asked and then shuffled herself back on the exam table, resting her head back on the headrest. It was moments like this when she struggled to decide if it was better to be a doctor than not, whilst she knew what was going to happen throughout the appointment, she also knew the endless list of things that could go wrong. Derek stood next to her and took her hand into his, rubbing his thumb along the back of it to calm her obvious nerves.

"Dr. Grey." The fellow said as she walked into the room. "Looking at your blood work, you appear to be 8weeks pregnant, which will put your time of conception around the week commencing the 12th of December. We're going to do a transvaginal ultrasound and get some more accurate measurements, including a due date."

The two of them smiled as they listened, both already knowing everything but grateful they were being treated solely as patients, and not doctors. Throughout the whole conversation, Derek's hand never left Meredith's and when their doctor turned to prepare for the ultrasound, he placed a quick kiss on the top of her head.

"Okay, you're just going to feel a bit of pressure but remember to breath through it."

The grip on Derek's hand tightened ever so slightly as the probe was inserted, and then loosened again as the pressure began to fade. A grainy image began to appear on the screen as it developed into a proper image, and Meredith and Derek found themselves at a loss of what to say. To anyone else it was a blob on the screen, but to the two of them it was everything they wanted for their growing family.

They were so wrapped up in their perfect world of seeing the image of their baby, that neither of them realised something was very clearly wrong, until they noticed the look on the doctors face. Both of them were pulled back into reality, as they registered what was missing.

A heartbeat.

Meredith felt a lump form in her throat and her body tensed significantly, as the worried expression on her face matched Derek's. Their grips on each other hands tightened until they were holding on as though their lives depended on it.

Once again, they were in their own world, but this time not one of happiness and hope for the future, but of the two of them praying that things would be okay. When asked if the probe could be removed, Meredith nodded, but her eyes stayed focused on the now still image on the frozen screen.

"I would like to have my superior complete the ultrasound themselves, if you two are comfortable with that?" To which the two of them nodded. "I understand that you do not want Dr. Montgomery to treat you, now Dr. Ryan is with another patient at the moment so she may be a while, but you are more than welcome to wait here."

"I want Dr. Montgomery please." Meredith whispered, to which the doctor nodded and left the room.

"Mer, you don't have to-"

"Please, she's the best and I don't want to wait." Meredith said, tears slipping down her cheeks.

The two of them sat in silence, as Meredith shuffled over the exam bed, so that there was room for Derek to sit beside her. Silent tears fell from her eyes and Derek ran a hand up her arm, unsure of what reassurances he could provide. A knock at the door made them pull apart, but Derek's hand never left Meredith's as he went to stand next to her.

"Dr. Johnson has asked me to do an ultrasound if that's okay with you. I'm going to do an external one and see what we can find from a different angle." Addison said, and if Meredith were in doctor mode she would have realised it was because Addison wanted her to be in less physical discomfort when she was delivered the bad news, but she wasn't thinking clearly. "Okay, this is going to be cold."

The wand spread the gel around Meredith's stomach and the room was silent as all three of them hoped to hear the echo of a heartbeat from the machine. A minute passed, and then two, before Addison shut the machine off, gently wiping the gel off Meredith's stomach with a paper towel.

Meredith felt paralysed. She couldn't move her body, as tears chased each other down her cheeks and her grip remained in Derek's hand. Her eyes stayed trained on the ultrasound screen, the image once again frozen on the screen even though the exam was over.

Next to her, Derek's legs felt as tough they were going to fail him, but he forced himself to stay stood up, an ache in his heart like never before. When he felt Meredith's grip loosen ever so slightly, he tightened his in return, to remind her that he was still there and would never be leaving.

"I'm so sorry."