GOD'S KILLER | harry styles

𝟰𝟳 - 𝗔𝗹𝗲𝘅 | 𝗛𝗲𝗹𝗽

The quiet sobs leaving her lips only made it more painful for me too. I never liked it when people suffered, I just saw myself reflected in a mirror and I didn't want anyone to go through the same amount of grief I did.

It hurt me to see her in so much pain and I didn't even know why... I guess it came mostly from the same compassion she had with me when I had that stupid breakdown two or three weeks ago. I still owed her about it.

"I don't want to be alive," She pulled away, wiping her cheeks and sniffling. "I think Harry is the only reason why I'm still here, but the bullets keep hitting me and harder every time. Someday, I know his shield will break, and I don't think I'm prepared for that moment."

"I just..." I started, but I wasn't exactly sure what I meant to say. "I don't want you to tell people you're okay when you're not, you hear me? I don't want you to keep your tears to yourself."

"People often say I'm annoying," She shook her head, tugging the corners of her lips down. "They say, if I'm crying too loud, then I'm making it everyone's business. I don't want to bother people with things they don't care about."

"Everyone in this house cares about you, Nat." I smiled softly. "Harry cares, I care... god, even Alissa cares."

I chuckled softly and that seemed to make her loosen up a bit, a small smile slowly creeped up her lips. It immediately disappeared though, her eyes were still glossy and she kept a sad expression on her face.

"I wish that was true," She looked down. "I don't know, sometimes I start to realize how hard breathing is."

"What do you mean?" I frowned, examining her face.

"It's a whole process, you don't just draw air in and out. There are a lot of things happening inside you with each breath you take." Natalie explained, not looking at me once. "My body needs a rest, Alex."

Oh.

Oh shit.

"Nat, stop saying stuff like this." I shook my head.

"Sure, but then don't come back wanting me to stop lying." She deadpanned.

My heart was full-blown snapped in half at this point. I just couldn't bring myself to look at her without seeing the materialization of grief itself, she didn't look like she could handle all this pain and I knew she handled very well everything that got in her path.

I hated that she was right. I hated that she felt so insecure about herself and that she was managing too much all at once. I wanted her to share the weight she carried on her back with me so that she could start enjoying.

"Look, I've been suicidal before and I know none of the things I say are gonna make it any better," I motioned with my hand. "But I know how it feels to be drowning, when every little thing that happens feels like it's your fault and it only adds to everything you're going through. You feel like a liability and trust me, I've been there before. I know what it's like to want to make everyone a favour by leaving the world, but do you know what's the difference between us two?"

Her face was contorted in surprise, like I had just recited her whole life in no more than three sentences. I knew I had because I knew exactly what she felt, I was talking from experience. But she needed the help much more than I did, that's for sure.

"No," She whispered, so quietly I barely heard her.

"You would be missed." I nodded, very sure of myself.

The tears were starting to brim her waterlines once again and her cheeks were getting flushed. I didn't want her to cry again, it broke my heart seeing her so vulnerable, but these things had to be said.