Only Angel [h.s]

𝟭𝟱 - 𝗠𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝗔𝗹𝗼𝗻𝗲

I feel like I might drown and falling down
I wanted you to be around but you were
nowhere to be found
You left me all alone now I'm on my own
You said goodbye don't want to see your face on my phone

[Did You Ever Hurt For Me
Jess Benkon]

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I just need someone to tell me everything will be ok, even if every word they speak including that sentence is a lie, I need it right now more than ever.

Harry has been even more distant since we got off of the plane a few hours ago and it feels like someone wrapped their fist tightly around my heart and squeezed it like their life depended on it, what did I do to make him act like this?

Does he not want to be around me anymore? Does he remember everything and regrets it? Did he finally realise how fucked up beyond repair I am? Am I just not good enough? What did I do wrong? Does he not like me anymore? These questions seem childish but I often think my anxiety makes me like that.

Those questions always seem to circle my brain, even before Harry came back into my life I constantly asked myself what was wrong with me and right now my anxiety is back tenfold.

It's that small seed of insecurity that is planted into your brain from a young age that sprouts and grows into something bigger, sometimes it grows from a seed to maybe a small flower, sometimes it grows from a seed to a whole tree and sometimes it simply doesn't grow.

The seed that was planted in my brain never seems to stop growing and right now it's being magnified and growing at a rapid pace, the whole flight I was not only asking myself why I wasn't good enough but what I could do to fix it, fix myself, make everything better.

It may not be my responsibility, after all Harry is the one doing this to me but that small notion that he someone dislikes me now is enough for me to want to cling to him and desperately ask him to make me better for him, not for myself but for him.

Maybe pink doesn't compliment blue but instead, blue drowns out pink. Maybe pink got tired of blue.

That's something we both have in common, i'm tired of myself and in general, not only mentally and emotionally but physically, I feel like I could drop dead any second.

Gigi and the baby were fine luckily, fainting isn't normal and there was a high possibility she could have miscarried but thankfully she didn't. Now i'm by myself in the waiting room to give my brother and his girlfriend some alone time, I was with Harry but he had to take another phone call and Bella is down at the café bringing everyone up some food.