how it feels to be alive {tom riddle}

fifty-two: déjà vu

"No, I came to see you. I'm so sorry that happened Tobias." Lucia spoke genuinely.

"Fuck off." Tobias snarled, "I don't want your pity."

Lucia was quiet. Tobias had been this hostile to her since that night, obviously filled with regret and so. much. anger.

"Tobias..."

"You know, it's really pathetic you being here." He cut her off, "And quite frankly I can't believe you have the nerve to even come to see me."

"I know, but I..."

"No, you don't get to be the fucking nice girl right now. You wanted this to happen to me just as much as your fucked-in-the-head boyfriend." Venom dropped off his words, and if Lucia wasn't hearing things, his voice was almost... choked up? "You ruin everything you touch, Lucia. Don't you think I've had enough of that kind of shit happen to me? You would know that better than anyone. Now get the fuck away from me."

Lucia let out a sob, and stood up from the chair beside his bed. "I'm sorry." She whispered, before rushing out of the room as the tears really started to fall again.

She hated Tobias, she really did. But she knew what he'd gone through in his life, his father abusing him and his mother all throughout his younger years, until finally the man went that step too far and widowed himself.

No, it didn't excuse the cruelty in his behaviour. But Lucia could almost relate to his brokenness. It was a façade he held up, wildly different to hers, but underneath exactly same.

When she reached the entrance to Ravenclaw tower, the door knocker seemed to know she wasn't in any state to answer a riddle at that time, and let her in without a word.

Luckily, the common room was empty since most students were in their final class of the day. Lucia rushed up the stairs and into her room, slamming the door shut behind her. She took a moment to finally let out the sobs she felt so desperate to release, and banged her head against the wood repeatedly in frustration.

"Lucia..." A voice sounded from behind her, and she actually screamed in fright since she was so sure she was alone.

"Shh, it's just me." Tom assured her as he walked towards her slowly.

Déjà vu.

"Get the fuck out of my room, Tom, or I swear to fucking God I will scream so loud-" Lucia asserted furiously, but was cut off by his hand coming to cover her mouth so she couldn't make any more noise.

She wrapped her hand around his wrist and yanked it off her mouth, "What the fuck were you thinking? Do you want to fucking stay here?" She yelled at him, throwing her hands in the air.

"You heard what he was saying Lucia, how he talks about you..." Tom defended.

"That doesn't mean you can fucking kill him, Tom! Are you seriously that fucked in the head?" Lucia was so enraged, and she wasn't sure if it was more to do with Tobias or the fact that she was so sure Tom had become better than this cruelty.

But she couldn't get rid of the darkness that plagued him, he was too far gone.

"I don't understand why you are so angry. He is a cruel and spiteful asshole who has said nothing but degrading things to you." Tom reasoned in a sharp tone.

"You would have gone to Azkaban if he died, Tom. That's fucking murder no matter what he said!" Lucia was completely beside herself.

"I wouldn't have let them take me." Tom almost looked shocked that she thought they could get him to Azkaban.

"So what, you'd just go time travel back home and leave me to deal with your shit show? Yeah, good. Just what I fucking need is another person dying in my life and another one leaving." Lucia was shaking her head in anger.

"Why are you so upset about this? You literally call the man a cunt frequently, he got what was coming to him." Tom had raised his voice slightly, his eyes black with anger.

"Because it would be all my fault, do you think I want someone's death on my shoulders? His blood on my fucking hands too?" Lucia was beginning to feel literally nauseous.

"Do you actually care about that asshole? You're not still fucking him are you?" Tom accused, walking her back against the wall until her shoulders hit the wood.

"How dare you even ask me that. If you need me to answer that second question then I don't think you know me at all." Lucia spat, pushing him back from her in frustration.

Tom stood back and threaded both his hands in his hair, dropping his head and exhaling to regain his composure.

He dropped his hands in defeat, "I'm sorry." He said with all the calmness he had worked so hard to maintain throughout his life, "I don't regret what I did to him, but I regret how it has effected you."'

"Thank you." Lucia said sharply, "I don't forgive you, not yet." She shook her head and looked at the floor.

Tom exhaled in irritation, but maintained his calmness. He wasn't one to beg for forgiveness, ever.

But it was Lucia, and the hatred in her gaze when she looked at him was making him feel nauseated.

He deserved it, the voice in his head kept telling him, and he didn't disagree with it. However, watching Lucia fall apart before him in absolute hysterics hurt him more than any pain Tobias had endured that day.

A knock sounded on the door to the dormitory, making Lucia jump in fright.

"Who is it?" She asked in a voice attempting to hide her emotion.

"I should like to have a conversation with you, Miss Cohen." The voice of Professor McGonagall sounded through the wood, and Lucia looked at Tom fearfully and cursed under her breath.

"Oh, uhm. I'm coming! Just a second." Lucia attempted to sound cheery but it just came out shrill and raspy. She wiped frantically under her eyes and gestured for Tom to hide behind the door.

"You can tell Mr. Rosier to come with you." McGonagall said as if she could see inside the room at Lucia's frantic arm movements, and she froze and looked at the closed door with wide eyes.

"Okay." Lucia said nervously and pulled open the large door to face the headmistress with a fake smile, "How long did you happen to be waiting outside before you knocked, Professor?"

"Long enough." The witch said with her thick Scottish accent, brows raised with an intense look of judgement.

author's note

I forgot to mention in my last chapter that I have a new one shots book!! (yes it is spicy lmao)

I always get ideas of scenes or storylines I'd love to write, but don't necessarily want to turn into full stories. it will also probably include bonus scenes from my proper stories such as extra spicy scenes lol

I've already got a three part (mature) tom riddle au inspired by bridgerton and then a draco x oc scene published, and I have more stuff in the drafts coming out soon!

I've always loved writing, I started writing on wattpad as an outlet for my creativity. this is just a way I can continue that and sometimes I just feel like writing smut but it's not a good time in my stories hahahaha

would love for you all to check it out, thank you loves <3