Dark Tendencies (Dean Winchester x Reader)

Drop-Bear

You thought over and over about the conversations you had been having through-out the past week. The boys had taken a break after the whole Toontown thing and Cas apparently wasn't traveling with them anymore and went back to heaven or something. Apparently, Sam and Dean had been crisscrossing some state lines to get decent meals while looking for cases, yet when you offered to take a break from your own case to find them one, they said they could find one on their own. As you talked with them over the past couple of days Dean seemed to be getting more and more on edge with Sam, and Sam was getting the same way with Dean. You didn't know what to do or say and knew ultimately they needed to deal with their shit on their own so you stayed out of it and filled them in on what you were up to, making sure to leave out the time, date, and location.

Dean was frustrated that you didn't want them to be involved but you kept insisting that it was better this way. He had talked with you over the phone for hours one night as you were doing research until you finally told him he was being too distracting and you needed to get back to work, so he shut up and just listened as you quietly talked to yourself about the case while writing notes and typing on the laptop. Whenever it got too quiet he would ask if you were still up and you would talk with him again for a couple of minutes before returning back to your research.

It broke you that he cared enough to stay on the line so you were not so alone at night. You wanted him to realize how much easier it was without you. You wanted him to realize he could do more without having to worry over you. He could have more because of you not being there. He already had enough to worry about with whatever he and Sam were going through and it hurt to see him so caring despite you slowly trying to push him away.

It wasn't that you were really pushing him away. You couldn't allow yourself to do that. At least, not the human side of you. You cared for him more than any part of yourself and you wanted him to see what an amazing man he was despite his faults. He was always so thoughtful and caring apart from when his temper got the best of him, but you couldn't blame him. You knew what hell could do to a person and purgatory must have done a number on him as well. Dean was different at times, but still your Dean.  The Dean that would tease you about your weird late-night food cravings yet whisper the sweetest words into your ear not 5 minutes later. The Dean that would convince you to go out to the bar with him through some childish antics yet could calm your anxieties with just a look every time you felt like you could never keep it together. The Dean that would quietly hold you close every time you woke up from a thrashing nightmare yet could have you laughing non-stop through a simple phone call. He was overwhelmingly loving and everything you knew you could never have... He couldn't be yours.

If anything, the past week has taught you that you were no good for him. Even as you have managed to stay in control, you felt weak, hopeless, and ultimately like a burden placed upon his shoulders. There was no way this could ever end well for any of you and you couldn't keep this up forever. One way or another you would die. Whether from the hands of a monster or a fellow hunter, you would find your end sooner than later.

You knew Dean cared about you. You could tell from the way he took care of you, texted you, called you, but you knew you didn't deserve his affection. You knew you didn't deserve the attention he gave you, which is why you often pushed it aside to tell yourself he didn't care because it made it easier to push him away. But like a magnet, you couldn't stay away from his alluring personality. No matter how hard you tried you couldn't bring yourself to leave. You needed him.

You stumbled over something on the ground which pulled you back into the present. 

"Damn it y/n you are too distracted" you chastise yourself when suddenly a large paw wraps itself around your shoulders making it impossible to grab any of the weapons strapped to your body.