The Other Wayland

Uncomfortable Conversations

Elizabeth's POV

"Hello Button," Magnus called as he entered the clearing, "How are you feeling today?" He asked as he walked towards me. 

"Wait there," I called out to him, "I want to show you something," I swung my legs off the bed and stood up. My steps were hesitant and shaky, my legs still stiff and sore but I forced myself to continue putting one bare foot in front of the other. His hands enclosed on my arms as I reached him. 

"You're getting stronger," He said delightedly. "Let's go sit down and have a chat," He looped his arm around mine and guided me back to the bed. "I wanted to ask you something," I nodded, he took a deep breath in and look to the other side of the clearing. "Do you remember Joe? I told you about him?" 

"Yes, the one with the grey eyes?" I asked, thumbing the photo of the boy under my pillow. 

He nodded, "Joe is here to see you, is that okay? I understand that it may be a little overwhelming for you to have visitors so soon but I think it would do you good. It might help unearth some memories," 

"I would like that," I smiled and Magnus motioned a hand at the edge of the forest. A tall, lanky boy emerged from the trees, he looked nervous, his whole body unnaturally tense as he walked over.  As he got closer I realised he looked older than his picture, his face more angular, his hair longer and darker. 

"This is Joe," Magnus said as Joe reached me. "Joe, try your best to be patient." He stood up and cleared the way for him to sit beside me. 

"Shout if it is all too much," Magnus said before he retreated to just out of ear shot. 

"Can I sit? Is that alright?" Joe asked not meeting my eyes. 

"No, you have to stand there while we talk," I joked, Joe's face went white. "Of course you can sit. Why wouldn't you be able to sit?" He let out a short laugh and relief flooded his face.  

"How are you feeling?" He asked as he sat beside me, an unusual space between us. 

"A lot better than before, thank you for asking," I muttered. I felt awkward with him here next to me. "Aldway told me that you would visit every day before I came to the clearing,"

"Aldway is your father?" He asked his eyebrows crumbled into a tight line. I nodded and then he nodded. "He is right. I did."

"Thank you for that. I suppose I would have gotten quite lonely without you there," I nodded again. I didn't know what to say to him. What do you say to someone you are supposed to have known since you were a child who you couldn't remember?

He swallowed, "I...umm...I...care about you a lot Liza. I couldn't possibly have left you alone while you were so ill."

"The man who did this to me, what happened to him?" I said cautiously. I thought perhaps this was the only chance I had to ask it. Aldway didn't know anything about the man other than the fact that he raised me and did this to me. 

"I don't know," Joe shrugged, "I've had other things on my mind," I nodded and fixed my gaze on my hands. I folded them into my lap and then unfolded them again. I didn't know what to do with myself. "Do you remember anything?"

"No not really. It's like everything before the meadow is locked behind a door. I can't get to my memories." 

"So there's nothing?" He asked, he seemed disappointed, his face fell. I shook my head. He nodded and stared off into the forest. 

"I'm sorry Joe. This is probably just as hard for you as it is for me." I said quietly. 

"What makes you say that?" He asked his head snapped to look at me. 

"Magnus told me that we were very close  before all this," I told him. 

"It's not just as hard for me as for you. You lost all your memories, you can't remember who you were, you are suffering still. I still have you. You are still alive. This is, all things considered, rather easy for me."  He shrugged and looked away again. "I came here to work out whether I should tell you the thing I've been thinking about." He said casually. The hairs on my arms stood up, my heart skipped and a heavy weight fell into my stomach. "Before all this, before we even came to New York, this was so easy. We had a routine, you and me. It was us against the world. Then there was Vienna and I almost lost you, then you jumped through a portal for your brother. You found your family here. You have Magnus, Jace and Clary. They're your real family. You even have your Father now. I only have you and right now, I don't even have that," He swallowed. 

"I'm still here, you said that yourself." I muttered, panic growing in my chest. I didn't remember Joe but I knew him, my body responded to him, his words, felt the dread they induced, anticipated their meaning and yet I couldn't even recall the last conversation I had with him. 

"But you're not. You're not my Liza. You said yourself that you don't remember anything, you don't know what led you to where we are today and being here, being reminded of that is something that I can't ignore. I can't be here and not hope that I'll say something and you'll be you again. I can't put that pressure on you, that's not fair on you," He said, strong and firm as if to stop himself from straying from those words. "And it's not fair on me. You are all I have in this world, you are the only family I have and you can't even remember me." 

"Magnus says that I could remember everything, that with time they will probably come back as my body thinks it's safe enough for me to remember them," I rushed out. He shook his head slowly and took my hands in his, I couldn't help but notice how familiar this felt, like a ghost of a touch, and how perfect our hands fit together. 

"Liza, you need to focus on getting stronger, strong enough so that you can go home to Jace and Magnus and everyone waiting for you at the institute and I need to go and find my place in the world outside of just you," He insisted. The realisation of what he wanted crashed over me and hot tears spilled from my eyes. It didn't feel right, his words weren't sitting properly in my brain. The idea of Joe, a person I had no recollection of, leaving was devastating. It wasn't supposed to be like this between us, I knew that, I could feel that but I needed my memories to understand why.

"You are my home," I managed to get out through the sobs. "You are my family. I know that even without my memories, even without being me as you say. I know you Joe. I knew your face instantly. Please," I begged. He dropped my hands and shifted further away on the bed. His face was twisted in pain as he took a deep breath. 

"I'm sorry Liza. I have to do what is best for both of us. You need time and gentle support to recover, I can't do that while I have this desperate need for you to remember me and I need to learn to live without you. I have to find somewhere to call my own. This is how things have to be." It sounded rehearsed, it probably was. He stood from my bed and I knew he was getting ready to leave. 

"Please, Joe," I pleaded, "Please stay," 

"I can't Liza. I've made my decision, I have to follow through with it," He said decisively. 

"At least wait until I am settled into the institute. Magnus is the only other person that has visited me, I don't know the others. It would only be a week or two." It was an incredibly selfish thing to ask. I could adapt without him, I'm sure that I would eventually but just maybe having someone that I was comfortable with would ease it. 

"I'll think about it." He nodded. "Goodbye Elizabeth," He gave me a pity filled smile before he started to walk away. 

"Goodbye Joseph," I called after him. He seemed to stiffen at the name but continued to walk, out of my eyeshot and then presumably out of the clearing. My sobs returned and I curled up on the bed not knowing what else to do be crying.