The New Girl

Chapter 6: Growing Feelings

Once again, waiting for lunch felt like an eternity. Didn't help I had math again, which made the period feel even longer. The teacher was going on about algebra equations in the slowest way possible. It wasn't even a full period, it was split in half because of today's schedule, but it felt ten times longer than that.

Like English, I barely paid attention. I was in my own little world, admiring the note. I seriously couldn't get it out of my head, I was going insane.

I was also reflecting about earlier too. I have a crush on Amity, and we just started talking as friends. I don't know why my mind is deciding to throw these feelings at me, but I'm not too sure if it's a good thing or not. Amity is really cool, and I'd love to spend more time with her, but I just became her friend. I can't just have these feelings immediately….right? That's weird isn't it? Wouldn't she be weirded out by me if she heard I had a crush on her?

That's something I couldn't bear to think about.

My mind was giving me so many conflicting signals. It kept reminding me of everything bad that could happen. Every single bad outcome. How Amity could find out. How she would be creeped out by me. How she could insult me relentlessly like all the other kids back in RVA. How she could actively avoid me, giving me harsh glances. It was giving me a headache. I could feel the anxiety crawl up my spine again, and as I thought more and more of those thoughts, the more and more I started to hate myself.

If she finds out about it, you're gonna lose her. She's gonna be weirded out and not want anything to do with you. That's what happened to all of your other crushes back then.

I felt my heart sink after that thought. It was right, I did lose the people I had crushes on. I barely knew them, and I liked them. Between being me being stupid and obvious, as well as rumors going out, lots of people stayed away from me. They all gave me the glaces and kept their distances, as if I was some kind of virus. That hurt me so much, and it still does thinking about it.

I thought about Hexside now, and how things seemed to be going better than before. I thought about how that could fuck up in seconds. How one reveal about me could get my new friends to stay away from me. Being the only open queer kid back at my old school caused some shit to come my way. People gave me so much shit because I was bi. They made fun of me, constantly assuming who I'd like next and even wrote stuff on my lockers. I don't want the same things to happen here. I actually have friends this time. If I lost them because of who I am, I don't know what I would do.

Thankfully, the bell finally rang and most of my thoughts popped away, but I was a shaky mess, so I took all of my stuff, rushed to my locker, shoved them in and ran all the way to the bathroom. I entered it, locked the door and stumbled to the mirror.

Those thoughts are unbearable. I wish I could just get rid of them, but I can’t. It’s in my mind. No matter where I go, or what I do in any given situation, I can’t escape from them. It’s those little voices in my head that give me reason to hate myself.

The thoughts were right though. Everytime they would say that I was weird, or stupid, or gross or something just as bad, I never denied it. That was the truth. I mean, how could I fight that? I had no one. No one wanted to be my friend. They all treated me like shit, and no matter how much I tried to fit in with people, it never worked, because I wasn't good enough for anyone. 

I wasn’t normal.

I looked up in the mirror and saw my own reflection. My disgusting self. The weirdo that nobody likes, regardless of anything. The queer kid. The girl who likes girls. The drama queen.  It's bound to happen again. Soon enough, I'm gonna be alone. My friends are gonna leave me when they realize who I really am, and it's gonna hurt way more than it did before.