Izuku Midoryia One-Shots

During The Night When He's Not Okay

    "Have you ever almost died that wasn't in U.A, Deku-kun?" Ururaka asked during a sleepover Class 1-A was holding.

    And Izuku thinks about all the times that he had almost done it, and the one time he did. It brings an onslaught of memories that will never be forgotten, never truly be erased from his mind.

    "Yes." He answers, and it comes out as a shock to everyone, but at the same time, it doesn't. It's not a secret to how prone Izuku is towards dangerous situations.

    "No you haven't, Deku. I would've fucking known." Izuku takes a side glance towards Bakugou who is poorly hiding his shock.

    "Didn't tell you. Didn't tell anyone I guess." A part of him doesn't want to talk about this. Wants to keep the answer simple and move on, but it's too late for that now.

    "What almost killed you, Midoryia?" The dual-haired teen asks, his eyes darkening at the thought that his first friend might've died before he even knew he existed.

    Izuku doesn't want to tell them. No one knows about that night except for himself. He's better now, anyways. It shouldn't matter how he almost died, he's here today.

    (The weight and guilt of it have been crushing him. Even if it was almost three years ago. That fact that he could've succeeded, well, that was both a terrifying and calming thought.)

    "I did." The words have been restrained for so long and now that they were finally free, Izuku doesn't know what to think. He's not really sure if he's even feeling anything. It shouldn't matter, anyways. It was a long time ago, and he's alive.

    (Sometimes the what if's keep him up at night. Would anyone be happier? Would his mother be less stressed? Does his life even mean anything?

    The questions always go unanswered.)

    "Wha-what do you mean by that, Midobro?" Izuku likes Kirishima. He's nice and friendly and is like a new breath of fresh air. The entirety of Class-1A is. He knows that Kirishima hopes that he didn't hear Izuku correctly, it's because he cares for him, and Midoryia is glad for that. He shouldn't care, though. After all, Izuku is happier now.

    Izuku tilts his head. Maybe if he acted a little bit more innocent and light-hearted, his friends won't be as sad. "What do you mean, Kirishima-kun? You know exactly what I said."

    "Why would you ever do that to yourself?!" Surprisingly, it's Shouto that yells. Izuku has a problem figuring out where exactly his anger is directed out. Midoryia decides it makes the most sense that Todorki is angry at him. For trying the easy way out of life.

    (He still has the empty bottle. He couldn't bring himself to throw it away. There are nights where he holds the bottle tight to his chest to remind himself. To remind himself of how much he's survived.)

    Izuku keeps his face neutral; barricading all of his feelings that are threatening to resurface. He'd really rather not have a panic attack in front of everyone.

    "I wanted to." And maybe that's not the right thing to say, but what else is there? Suicide wasn't met to be sugar coated or brushed around.

    Nothing he could've said would of made it any better. He tried to kill himself because he wanted to and even though he is better, he still doesn't understand why he couldn't just decide when he wanted to die. It's his life, right? Shouldn't he be able to choose when to end it?

    Izuku knows he's a hypocrite. He wouldn't want anybody to end there lives and he knows that he would try his hardest for people to see all that life has to offer, even if he has a hard time seeing it for himself.

    It's funny how that works: the suicidal kids telling the other suicidal kids not to do it. It really makes you think just how messed up this whole society is.

    "If you don't mind me asking," Yaoyorozu speaks up, her voice is calm but something about it sounds like she's speaking to a wild animal. Izuku instantly regrets telling anyone now. People are going to treat him differently; treat him as if he's going to snap any moment now and try to kill himself again. Only he's already snapped a long time and he's in the process of mending back the pieces.

    (Alone. He's doing this alone. He can't risk asking for help. Can't risk someone betraying him again.)

    "When did you do it?" Momo finishes. Izuku doesn't mind the question. Maybe if they knew how long ago it was, it'll calm them down.

    "I tried when I was twelve. So about three years ago." For some reason, this only makes things worse. He sees how his classmates faces' get paler and there eyes get sadder.

    "I don't get it. Someone with such a powerful quirk isn't supposed to feel that way. Let alone at that age." Shinsou speaks up for the first time. He had transferred to class 1-A a few weeks ago in the replacement of Mineta. Their relationship was still rocky and Izuku was still struggling to help Shinsou see that he wants to be friends and isn't trying to use him.

    Izuku wants to thinks he has a good answer for that, but he doesn't. He can't tell anyone about OFA and he isn't ready to tell anyone about his quirkless history either.

    (Every once in awhile he has nightmares of his class finding out and turning their backs on him. It horrifies him to the point where he won't sleep for a few days after the nightmare.)

    "Didn't stop me from wishing I wouldn't wake up in the morning." And Izuku wonders, would it have? Would being born with a quirk have prevented all of those disastrous thoughts? Stopped his father from leaving and stopped everyone besides his mother hating him?

    Izuku doesn't like either answer.

    "Guys, seriously, I'm okay now. I no longer think about those things and I want to live now." Everyone relaxes at this, but still seem a little worried. Nobody talks more of it and decides to continue playing games.

    In the depths of the night, when everyone is sleeping, Izuku thinks. He questions if he's really okay now. He doesn't feel depressed as often as he used to. He certainly doesn't want to die anymore. Or is that just because he has the expectations of other people now? Has a quirk to uphold and cherish.

    He has problems, but he's working on them. Sure, it's extremely exhausting and lonely, but at least he's trying to get better.

    (On rare nights, he regrets surviving. He thinks to himself, god, I can't even kill myself correctly. On those nights he wants to talk to someone and jump off a roof at the same time. He always-always opts to stay in the suffocation his room gives him.)

    Izuku doesn't think he's as okay as he thought he was.