I Kissed a Boy

10

Julian drove for a while know. I feel so sleepy right know. Today is Wednesday and four days away from the party. Or prom. Or ball. Or whatever it is called. I looked out the window as I felt completely confused. I know we are going to the mall but why? Are we buying more things? Is he redoing my whole wardrobe? It is expected. He was talking through the Bluetooth thing on his ear with whom I assume is Raven. She hates me. But I don't care. They can all suck a big fat dick.

I wore my sun glasses today being that my eyes still ache from last night. In a way I want to go back. The vile liquid is what I hate most. But the burning sensation on my throat and stomach I really liked. I sighed out and just rested my eyes for a bit. We were going to a mall very far away. He wanted me to look at new things but long drives always make me sleepy.

I glanced at Julian as he had a gentle smile on his face. This man is driving my mind and heart to be so confused. I want to torture him so much that he will beg for death. But in my other half of my brain wants me to torture him so much that he will beg for me to let him cum. Release his load. But why am I having mixed emotions. Sexual and Anger. I sighed out as I glanced back to the outside. The beauty of nature slowly fading away as buildings and houses were know in my line of sight.

Will I find a home? Far from city life? Will Julian live with me? Does Julian like me? Does Julian love me? Does he think of me sexually? Or does he think of me as a sister? Does he hate me? I glanced at him as he looks at his GPS. Is he doing this to show that he loves me? Or is he doing this just to annoy me?

Is it wrong to think of such things? Is it wrong to be doing this? What if someone finds out this is all fake? What if someone harasses him into admitting the truth? Would his dad get in trouble? Will I get in trouble? I wouldn't think of it as much. We aren't legally married or dating.

Will plastic girl reappear and just ruin my life? Will someone go to annoy my mother? Will she get fired? Because some rich bitch wants Julian. Wait. Mom doesn't know.

I groaned out as I spoke "Julian... Did you end your call?"

"Yes... Just a few seconds ago..." He answers calmly

"We forgot one thing..." I spoke as gently as I could as I stared out the window

"What?" He asked worriedly

"We forgot to tell my mother... Of this..." I answered as I looked at him with warm eyes

"Well that will be a surprised... But I do think we shouldn't tell her... Not yet at least" he answered calmly as he stares forward

I looked forward as well and I decided to think this time. Maybe it is the right thing to do. What if we call it all of and mother is still waiting for the invitation. Or even hands me down a white dress for me to place on my own style. Or even give me a hand me down necklace or ring. If the wedding does get called of by words just like this farce then would I be happy. Would I be free? I touched my chest as a weird sensation started to creep up and it hurts a lot. 

Why? This aching sensation has been creeping up inside my heart each time I think of us being separated. We were stopping at some kind of mall and it was huge. I noticed the parking lot as it had a huge variety and I just stared at it all amazed. The aching sensation gone. Forgotten. Good. I want to have fun today. All I want is distraction. I can't be thinking of him like that. He might be waiting for the right person to come forth. I don't want to ruin his chances with someone better.

I am afraid know. Maybe what he said is true. What would happen if I do fall in love with him? Would it tare me apart when we go our separate ways? Would I be broken when I see him in love? Would I be jealous for his actual future wife? Would he miss me? Would he block me the way Mitsuki did? Would he ignore me? Will he abandon me? Will he really leave me? Will he throw me away? Will he leave me alone?

I heard the door open and on instinct I grabbed his arm hard. 'Don't leave me' The words wouldn't come out but I felt something glide down my cheeks. Am I crying? My heart raced quickly as it was aching a lot. He looks back to me and his eyes wide open. I could see pain in them. He had sit down quickly in panic as he held my hand gently. I held his arm so tight I started shaking. But I just don't want to be abandoned again. I don't want to be left alone.

"What's wrong?" He asked worriedly

"N-Nothing..." I tried but my tears had gotten worse

My heart aching more as I had looked down "Gwen..."

The way he says my name made my heart twist even more. It hurts. Why does it hurts? Why am I even thinking like this? Why? Why him? We barely even hang out in the past and know that he is all I can do is think of him. Have random questions in my head. My heart twisting and churning with just the thought of him abandoning me. Do I have abandonment issues? Do I like him?

His hand gently caresses my own as I had a death grip on his arm. The way he treats me. The way he speaks to me. The way be taunts me at times. It always made me happy. It always made me expect more. Always made me think of revenge but just for him to notice me. Why? Am I doubting my pranks towards him? Am I doubting myself? What should I do? I felt a tug forward and his arms wrap around me. The tears getting even worse. Why is he embracing me? I release his arm in this awkward position and I tried to get away from him.

But he had a death grip behind my back as he held me tightly to him. I felt completely confused as all I could do was struggle a little. This is getting so embarrassing and I can't escape him. This would be a first time for him seeing me cry like this at this age. Back then when we were kids I cried a lot. Back then I was weak. But know I am strong until this moment. I am being weak. I don't like it.

"Am sorry... Am sorry I made you cry" he whispered as he holds me tightly

My whole world crumbling and I say "No... Am sorry... Am being weak and am supposed to stay strong... Not have stupid thoughts"

My whole throat hurt so much and so he releases me from his hug as he spoke "Stupid Thoughts? Did I say something to make you feel this way?"

I wiped the tears away and I say trying to hide my weird thoughts "I felt... Confused and I just... I ended up thinking of how broken my mom would be if she is left alone..."

Lie. Is all I can do. I must lie. I can't let him see what my heart is hiding from him. I don't want him thinking I am falling for him. Then he'll end up abandoning me for real. I don't want to be left alone. In a way it wasn't that much of a lie about mom. But not in that level. I had glanced away as my face was finally dry from all the tears. I heard a gentle chuckle and I looked back at him with a gentle glare.

"She won't be alone... We will visit her and provide grandchildren..." He comments

My whole face felt so hot and I punched him while saying "Stop joking you moron!"

That will never happen. The way he said it was so serious but I can't keep getting my hopes up. He will leave to find his true love after everything is cancelled. We still have four days to go before all this facade is over. Each day has been such annoyance but fun and all I want to think know is. 'She won't be alone... We will visit her and provide grandchildren' It kept echoing in my head and it was leaving me feeling really hot. I have never had sex before so I can't actually say anything. Will it be good? Will it be exhilarating? Would it be addicting? I looked at Julian as he had the biggest smile I have ever seen. 

He looks at me with clear eyes as he looked super happy. It made me feel so weird right now. What is happening right now. I want to keep punching this idiot but I don't want to hurt him. I just smiled back at him and I just lowered my hands to just stare this idiot. 

How will I endure the pain when all is done?