My Protectors: College

Searching For Love

"I would actually do anything to be with you again. To see your sweet smile, your laughter, to feel your touch, to hear your voice. Even though I knew it'd be the last time, I still would. But at the same time I know it would never be the same because I am not the same person you fell in love with, since I made you go through so much pain, since I've been through so much pain.

So I'm not sure I'd bear to watch your eyes again, those eyes which once sparkled when you looked at me. I am not sure I'd manage to feel you, with the idea of you craving I was the same person as before. I'm not sure I'd handle hearing you whisper softly, "I love you."

I'm sorry I wasn't there with you, it should've been me. I'm sorry I changed, I'm sorry I ruined you. I never meant to hurt you. I'm the one who should be under the ground right now, not you. You should be the one going on and on right here next to my grave, not the other way around."

King touches my shoulder lightly, softly smiling down at me, "We should go, I don't want to accidentally bump into someone."

"One second." I look down from him to the gravestone, "Jay I want you to know that our baby boy's name is going to be Jayson Ray. I promise to come back here with him. I really wish you could meet him. I love you doofus, never forget that."

King helps me up from the ground, and we walk back to the car, "Did you ever read what he sent to Marcus?"

I shake my head, "I was planning on reading it today, but after coming here I don't know anymore..."

"I think you should baby girl. Even though it was obvious he loved you, you should read it to remind yourself that."

"I guess you're right" I say getting into the car, "Can we go say bye to Jay's mom, Gina, and his little sisters before we go to my old college?"

"First, are you sure you want to go back to your college? I would prefer if your friends didn't know you were alive.. especially not Dominic."

"They can keep a secret, trust me on this. Out of all my friends, I need at least two others to know. At least I'm not telling Rachel, right?" I sigh holding back my tears, "She would never forgive me for doing this."

"Shh" he grabs my hand, "Don't say that baby, you know if I could I would let you tell all your friends you're alive, but your safety comes first... yours and our baby's."

"Do I tell them?" I bite my bottom lip to keep it from trembling, "They'll probably think I'm horrible. I'm continuing my life with someone else that's not Jayson."

"Please don't say that" he whispers losing his grip on my hand.

"I ruin everything." I cry, "I was suppose to have this perfect future with Jayson.. have a perfect kid, live in a perfect house, everything was suppose to be perfect. Now I lost Jay..."

King let go of my hand awhile ago, his firm tight around the steering wheel. King and Jay both shared that in common, when I would say something bad about myself or upset them they would grip on the steering wheel.

"I know what you're thinking, but you can't change the way I'm thinking. I'm not saying I don't love you, because King, I do. Because someone or something, God, faith, or whatever put you in my life for a reason. There's this quote, or saying, that goes "We met for a reason, either you're a blessing or a lesson." is it bad you're both?" I look over at him and he's crying, "I've said this a thousand times, but I was with Jay and you at the same time. At some point you made me realize how much I loved Jay, you made me realize I deserved more, but you were also a blessing. You were a blessing because look" I say touching my belly, "We brought a kid to this world, and if I didn't love you that wouldn't of happened.