Our Happily Ever After!

14 - Losing it

Becky
Cold. I feel cold, she probably feels cold. All I want is for her to be warm, for us to be warm. I haven't left her room, I haven't left her bed since we got back from the hospital. I can't even bring myself to speak, Seth needs me but I can't be there for him. I've already lost one child and I can't bare to lose another, me and Colby aren't on good terms right now yes he was there for me when we lost Hope but he also broke me when I needed him the most, I don't know what to do with him. I love him but Seth has to be my main priority. He's all I've got left...

Knock knock

Seth knows I probably won't answer but he'll come in anyway, as usual I watch the door open slowly and Seth walk in. He's looks sad, a bit raggedy, like he needs his mother but I just can't be there for him right now.

"Momma, I know you are sad. I am sad..."

I looked away from him because I could feel the tears starting to form in my eyes.

"But that's okay, I can't expect to have superhero Momma all the time. I just want you to know I love you and I miss you..."

"I'm sorry..."

I turned back towards him and he could see just how sad I am, normally he'd stay on the floor but today he climbed up and wrapped his tiny arms around me.

"It's okay Momma I'm here, Hopes here too. She's protecting us..."

"I know I haven't been a very good mommy and I'm sorry."

"You've are the best, always. I'm sorry too..."

"Oh baby you have nothing to be sorry for, you've done nothing wrong."

"I just want to look after you, I want to take care of you."

"But that's my job, I look after you. I know I haven't been doing such a great job, but I promise it'll change. I love you baby, you and your little sister are the best things that ever happened to me so when I lost your sister...it broke me. I'm still broken, but I'm trying to fix myself for you! I love you so much Seth, I hope you know just how much."

"I love you too Momma."

He buried his little head into my chest, I can hear his little sniffles so I let out my own tears. Talking about Hope, hurts, it hurts too much. People keep saying that it'll get easier but I don't think it will, Hope and Seth were my everything. Now I've lost Hope and I don't know what to do. People say my wounds will heal so tell me why do they still feel so painful.

My phone starts to ring so I instinctively answer it, even though I haven't been answering my phone for the last week.

"Becky?"

"Hello?"

"It's Nina! I've been trying to contact you for the last week, ever since I saw you at the hospital. I thought maybe you might be pregnant? You were in the child's unit near the maternity ward?"

"Nina, I'm not pregnant. We were there because of Hope~"

"I'm guessing she's home and tucked up in bed now with some peppa pig on the telly."

"Actually she's not~"

"Oh, how's she doing in the hospital then?"

"Nina, she's~I'm sorry I can't do this."

I looked at the wall and felt tears flow down my face.

"Baby can you go outside please."

"Wh~"

"Pleas, I don't want you to see this."

Je quickly climbed off the bed and out the door, I held the phone to my ear and heard Nina happily chatting along to the line. My blood boiled why can't I be happy.