I Can't Stop

Part 33

"There is so much I want to say and yet, I don't know where to begin. I'm going to repeat myself, because you already know it all, but... I love you, Stephanie. You've been in my life since I was just a kid. The first time I saw you, I was a mess. I thought, I knew how to talk to girls, until I met you. You were the most beautiful, most captivating out of all. You were shy around others, but when it was just the two of us, you were different. I remember, how we could talk for hours, we had so much in common and I never got bored. Even if we were in complete silence, I still felt the most comfortable with you. When we became a couple, yes, I became a jealous asshole, but that's not because I wanted you all to myself, but because I was afraid to lose you, I didn't understand, how in the world you were mine. Everybody wished to trade places with me, everybody wanted to call you his girlfriend. I got to do that, for years, until I didn't. I get that a lot of it is my fault. I felt like I had always wanted to be a musician, a famous 'rockstar' than you and the truth is, you got to be, who I wanted to be. I became angry. With you, but mostly with myself. I didn't know, how to deal with it, so I often chose to lash out. I drove you away and I don't blame you for that. I wouldn't have wanted to stay with me either. Yet, a part of me always believed that I still had a chance. I thought that our breakup was temporary, because we couldn't go on without each other, but when I realized that you could, it broke me. I used to joke and make fun of you that you started dating Don, because he was a version of me, a replacement, but that was because I was hurting. I became the worst version of myself, when I knew that you had fallen in love with him. That was when you and I were at our lowest point and I'm sorry. You deserved to be happy, you deserved to be loved, you looked for it and you found it. I certainly didn't say it or show it, but I was so happy for you, when you had Sara. When you and I would talk about having kids, you always kept saying that it wasn't the right time, that there was so much to do, before we could start a family. It wasn't the right time, when you got pregnant with your girl, but it didn't matter, nothing did. I had never seen you so overjoyed before. I don't think you even knew it yourself back then, but you had everything you'd ever wanted and it was with another man, a man that wasn't me and I tried to drown my sorrows in alcohol, drugs and women. At one point, I thought of proposing to Carol Ann just to get back at you and that was so childish. You wouldn't have cared, because you already had it, you had everything and I had nothing. If I don't have you, I have nothing, Stevie. I know that saying this makes me sound childish now too, but it's the truth. I hate that you and I couldn't make it. You were the first and only woman I have ever loved and that's never going to change. I thought that we had a chance during this last tour. You made me fall in love with you again and I was over the moon. You were right, saying that I was pushing you, that I wanted you to leave Don for me. It makes me selfish, but I don't care. I truly believe that you feel everything that I feel, too. But... things can't always go the way you want them. We haven't talked, but I know that you chose him and that's okay. It hurts and I'm not really sure, how to deal with it yet, but it's okay. After all, I just want you to be happy, Steph, and if it's not with me, then so be it. Despite everything, you have made me the happiest man on earth, because you gave me a daughter. I wish I could tell Alice, I wish I no longer had to be her uncle, I wish I could tell her that I'm her dad and that I love her so very much. Right now, this feels like a goodbye, but I've felt this way with you before... You own my heart, Stephanie, you always will.

I love you,

Lindsey"

The letter came into Alice's hands by a complete accident. Only when she had finished reading it, she realized that tears were burring her vision. Everything she had know her whole life was a complete lie. 

"You know, you shouldn't go through your mother's things. She doesn't like that very much." Don only half joked, passing by his and Stevie's bedroom, when he saw Alice in there. He frowned, seeing the shock on his daughter's face. "Hey... what's up with you?" He asked, looking down at what Alice was holding.