You know that feeling and you wake up, and even the air you're breathing seems strange? It's that feeling in the pit of your stomach when you know something bad has happened. When I woke up on the faithful morning of October 14th, that's the feeling that greeted me. I rolled out of bed and tried to rub the sleep out of my eye, and when I was fully aware of my surroundings I noticed Rian wasn't in his bed, and my eyes went to the clock and no, it was not time for breakfast. I opened the door and bit and I saw a nurse running, even though I did live in a mental hospital that was not a common sight. I followed the nurse trying to be as quiet as possible but to be honest I was sure I could have yelled for help and she wouldn't have cared. Time seemed to move slowly as we traveled the halls, I also noticed how few people were in their rooms.
"Did something big happen and I slept through it?" I thought. The answer to my question was yes, everyone had.
In life there are days full of happiness that could be mistaken as dreams and then they're are days like today were I wanted to believe it was a nightmare, where I wanted to wake up, God I would've given anything to wake up.
As the nurse and I walked out of the depression, and into the main hall were all of the wards met. She took a right turn into the eating disorder unit, my heart began to beat a thousand miles per second when I remembered who lived in the eating disorder unit, Jack. I tried to convince myself that more people live in the eating disorder unit, I mean they do. We walked and I swore I felt like neither of us went fast enough. With each step I took my heart beated a thousand more. After living in a mental ward for a month you begin to memorize the way to all your friends' rooms, and when you're following nurse with a panicked look on her face and you know you no longer need her guidance its a scary thought.
In life they're two types of pain, but many variations of those two types. You see the first is physical pain, where you break a bone or cut your skin, whether it be on purpose there's no life that it hurts, this pain is given too much importance because even though it hurts, you heal, whether you end up with a scar or a limp, you are able to keep on going in life. Then there's mental pain there's sadness from a break up or simply having depression, where it hurts to get up, it hurts to live. This kind of pain is more important than one might think, because you never truly heal, you're always in pain. This is the pain I felt when my eyes saw the crowd gathered around my boyfriends door.
I pushed my way to the front and I prayed, I fucking prayed, for him to just be passed out, for him to be okay.
There are a few things in life that no human deserves to experience, and this happened to be on that list. I looked in the door and I saw something I never thought I would. I stared into the room, I couldn't believe my eyes, in the room where I once comforted my boyfriend after the death of his parents, in the room where he would sleep each night, there Jack Barakat laid, motionless. I hoped, I wished, I prayed that maybe just maybe he'd hit his head and was passed out. When the doctor pushed him over, I knew there was no way he was simply passed out.
I looked at what was now Jack's body and I saw his stained red wrists, each cut so deep that you could begin to see his bone. His mouth was slightly open, and his eyes were closed shut. I knew the second I saw his face that Jack was dead. Finally when my mind registered this, my knees gave out and I fell to the ground. I curled up in a ball and I began to cry, I began to scream.
I watched as a pair of paramedics placed Jack's lifeless body in a stretcher and carried him out. I pushed myself up and I began to run after them. He couldn't be dead, he couldn't. He was just playing a trick on me, he had to be. Jack wouldn't have killed himself. He wouldn't have. No he couldn't have. Just as I was arm's reach away from hin, two nurses grabbed my arms and held me back. Again I fell to the ground, again I broke out in tears.
"LET ME FUCKING GO," I yelled. "HE'S NOT DEAD! I HAVE TO FUCKING TALK TO HIM."
I screamed as a nurse hugged me.
"I WANT TO FUCKING DIE, I WANT TO BE DEAD," I yelled as they turned the corner.
"Please just let me kill myself," I whispered while a nurse tried to calm me down.
None of them here knew how I felt, how fucking broken I truly was. I wanted to die. I need to die. My only reason for living was taken away from me, he was torn from my life and now I had nothing. No matter how many nurses tried to coax me to get up, to go to my room. I stayed, there I laid there waiting for a reason to move, waiting for my reason to wake up.
"Please just let me die," I repeated until I was put on stretcher and taken to a different room.
I was given a shot and soon I fell asleep.
I love those brilliant moments after you wake up and you seem to be unaware of the world around you. Where you don't remember the hell you're in. When my eyes finally opened I wanted to believe it was all a dream, that I would soon wake up and I would meet Jack at the cafeteria for breakfast, that I'd later kiss his soft lips, but when I woke up and I again strapped to a bed in the fourth floor, I knew, I knew Jack Barakat was dead and there was nothing I could do about it.
I sobbed, I didn't even try to hide it. I screamed and I cried and I yelled how I wished for death to come and take me away. I'd felt many kinds of pain in my seventeen years of living, whether it be the time I broke my arm when I was thirteen, or when the house phone rang and I was told my brother was dead, but neither of them compared to this. I didn't see my brothers lifeless body laying on the ground. I couldn't believe he was dead, only yesterday had Jack told me he loved me, yesterday we made love for the first time, yesterday we finished Therapy together, and yesterday was the day he killed himself.
I didn't understand how he could be dead, I didn't understand how he could have done this to himself, to me. I wanted Jack to come in and tell me he was alive, I needed him to, but that's the thing about life, it never works out how you want it to.
As I laid there and cried over my lost boyfriend, I knew I would never be happy again.
**Authors note**
I hope you all don't kill me for this, but I had this planned since I started the story and don't worry there are still two chapters left in this story.
BINABASA MO ANG
Mental Ward (Jalex)
Fanfiction{Can be triggering} Alex isn't happy with his life, one day he decides he'd had enough and attempts suicide, in a panic his parents take him the hospital and manage to save his life. When he wakes up he's told his parents have signed him into a ment...
