Mental Ward (Jalex)

Chapter Twenty

**smut waring** **I suck at smut so let's see how this goes**

I woke up, and I wanted to be in a good mood, I really did. Something just felt off about today, as if something important were to happen today. I tried to forget the thought as I got into the breakfast line, and as I sat down. I took my usual seat next to Jack and he immediately gave me hug. I was taken by surprise by his actions but I didn't oblige, his hugs gave me a sense of comfort.

"Are you gonna show us that amazing song of yours?" Rian asked.

"I will later today once Jack and I finish writing the guitar part," I replied, stuffing a spoonful of cereal into my mouth.

"Why weren't you guys at dinner?" Kellin asked.

"Probably fucking," Vic commented.

Jack shot him a glare that silenced the whole table.

Kellin gave me a scared look and I put my arm around him and gave him a hug. I got jealous looks from both Vic and Jack. The rest of the meal was done in silence. After I grabbed Jack and I dragged him to the rec room. I handed him a guitar and I took one myself.

Jack played chords while I sang, sure dozens of this combitions sound fucking amazing, but they didn't sound perfect. I began to pluck strings at random, when a thought occurred to me. I plucked the strings while placing my fingers on random frets.

I hummed the lyrics as I memorized my fingers movements. Jack began to catch on and he played while I sang. I'd read over the song so many times, I had every word memorized.

"Love yourself so no one has to,
they're better off without you."

I adored those lyrics, the fact that I'd come up with them amazed me. Twelve words, twelve fucking words described all seventeen years of my life.

My mind wondered to what it'd feel to kill myself. Would it truly hurt? I imagined that certain methods of it might be more painful than overs for example I thought hanging yourself was the most painful, I imagined myself in those minutes before death finally came, just hanging there not being able to breath, I flinched at the thought. I thought about shooting myself, but that was so inconvenient to me having my brain spattered across the wall, it seemed too much for my liking. I thought about jumping off of something, this idea caught my attention in a sick way, the feeling of true freedom as you plummeted to your death, I felt like that it was a great way to go out, but then again in the time I was quickly approaching the ground, I'd have time to think about what I was doing and therefore I'd have time to regret it, and knowing I wouldn't be able to stop it would freak me out too much, therefore that was out. The only option that seemed appealing to me was a mixture of two, pills and self harm. That was the option I'd gone with when I first attempted suicide. The reason it seemed appealing to me was the lack of pain and effort, I mean all I had to do was cut my wrists a few times which I already did, and take a few pills and sleep, and I was gone, only it hadn't gone so smooth for me, I was still alive. The fact that I was still unaware whether I wanted to die scared me. When I first came I fantasized about getting home and killing myself, I wanted to die, and in a sense I still do, but I can't leave Jack behind, though a part of me whispers how little he'd care about my death, I want to believe that he does, I need to.