Deadly Double Love

Deadly Double Love 12

I spent the rest of the day thinking about Scott. I didn’t know why I hadn’t talked to him. I was nervous, I supposed. But it was more than that. I was scared that he would leave and talking to him would only make it worse when he did. I now wished that I had talked to him though. I felt so alone and he might have been my only chance to stop feeling that way. But now that I had ignored him while he had been so kind, he’d probably never even look at me again. I couldn’t believe I had blown my chance.

When I got home I cut myself again, adding to the already large number of scars I had accumulated over the last three weeks. I had been cutting at least once a day, sometimes more. I couldn’t help it. It was the only way to relieve all of the hurt I felt inside. Both of my arms were now riddled with thin lines from my elbows to my wrists. I wore long sleeves every day to cover the scars.

The next day, I spent all morning worrying about going to lunch. I worried that Scott would be there, and then I worried that he wouldn’t be there. When I sat down in the cafeteria, I was alone. I fought back tears as I cursed myself for not talking to him when I’d had the chance. Maybe if I’d done that, I wouldn’t be sitting alone again.

Just then, I heard a noise. I looked up and saw Scott sitting down across from me. My heart soared; he had come back!

“Sorry I’m late,” he said. “I got a little lost on my way here.”

I parted my lips, knowing I had to say something before he left, but nothing came out.

“I wasn’t sure if you’d forget your lunch again today, so I packed you one.” He pushed a brown bag across the table towards me.

I removed my hands from under my legs and opened the bag. I peered inside and saw that he had packed me a turkey sandwich, strawberries, and a juice box.

“I’m not really sure what you like to eat, so I just packed you the same thing I packed myself,” he said nervously.

I opened my mouth again, planning on attempting to thank him for his kindness. However, that wasn’t what came out. All that came out was a little squeak.

Scott smiled at me and suddenly my stomach was fluttering like someone had pumped me full of butterflies.

“Aren’t you hungry?” he asked, motioning to the brown bag.

I knew that I wouldn’t be able to speak no matter how hard I tried, so I just shook my head.

“You can’t lie to me,” he said. “I know you’re hungry.”

I didn’t know how he could possibly see through my façade. I had only just met him, and people I’d know my entire life hadn’t noticed. But I did know that, for some reason, I couldn’t lie to this boy. Not only because he would call me out on it, but also because it felt wrong.

With a shaky hand I reached into the lunch bad and pulled out the strawberries. I opened the plastic bag that contained the fruit and pulled one out. I hesitated, knowing that I shouldn’t be eating at lunch. It would make me fatter. I looked up at Scott, in need of guidance.

“Go on,” he instructed. “Eat it.”

I did as I was told and placed the berry on my tongue. The flavor exploded in my mouth in a wonderful way. I couldn’t remember the last time something had tasted so good. Recently I had only allowed myself vegetables, so strawberries were a complete indulgence. Once I had eaten the first one I wanted to stuff all of the rest into my mouth as well. But I commanded myself to stop. I jerked my hand away from the fruit as if it was contaminated with some sort of disease.

“What’s wrong?” Scott asked me, worry in his voice.

Even if I could have spoken to him, I wouldn’t have known how to reply. Everything was wrong, but how could I say that to someone? I just shook my head at him again as tears formed behind my eyes. I tried to force them away, but instead they spilled over.

As soon as Scott saw the tears flowing down my face, he stood up and sat down next to me. He touched my shoulder gently, trying to comfort me. It didn’t work though; the tears kept coming. Scott put his arm around my shoulders. He pulled me just a little closer and I leaned into him. I rested my head on his chest and closed my eyes.

Slowly the tears came to a halt and I moved a little bit away from Scott. He dropped his arm from my shoulders and looked into my eyes.

“Are you okay?” he asked me.

I looked down at the table, not responding. Scott didn’t ask me again; he seemed okay with me not answering him.

We stayed that way until the end of the lunch period when the bell rang. Right before he got up, Scott leaned over and whispered something in my ear.

“Even though you won’t talk to me, I won’t leave you.”