Hogwarts & Beyond ~ Wolfstar & Jily

Where Your Loyalties Lie

~ Sirius POV, the Marauders' fifth year at Hogwarts~

" What did you want me to do then? " James yelled, finally losing it.

" What did you want me to do then? " I mimicked, my voice dripping with venom, " you didn't say even ANYTHING. Just 'cause it's Evans. What ever happened to the Marauders? Whose side are you on?"

" I -"

" No. I've had enough. I - " my voice cracked and I cleared it away, my cheeks flushing. " I really thought I had real friends. "

" I AM your friend, I just "

" WELL THEN SOME FRIEND YOU ARE. " I stomped out of the dorm feeling my heart crack and then sink into my shoes. I followed them unconsciously. My shoes, I mean. My dumb, shiny, expensive, pureblood shoes. I grew a sudden loathing for them, yanked them off, and started to run. I ran to the lake, running so far so fast that my lungs smoldered and my feet felt like they could be glowing.

Maybe that's a good thing I thought, pitching my shoes into the inky water, burning from the inside out. Maybe the ashes would cover up my excuse of an upbringing. I started to run again, longing to put distance between me and the world.

When I couldn't run anymore, I came to an unsteady stop at the foot of the astronomy tower. I blinked. Oh. I must have taken the now all too familiar path by accident.

I gingerly started to make my way up, still trying to catch my breath. I took to my usual perch at the very edge of the worn stone. Kinda like me, I mused bitterly, 'cause it's just a bit of magic keeping the ruins together. I was proud to call this crumbling piece of stone home. 12 Grimmauld Place may have been my house, but Hogwarts was my true home. The first place I learned that there are people with some decent bit of humanity in them. I shudder at the thought of Grimmauld Place. I shudder to think - to know I share blood with any of the monsters there. And maybe James and Lily were right . . . . . . maybe I am just " another rich, thick headed Black " . . .

And that name. It's a part of me I'd like to claw out and hurl at someone else. Actually, no, I'd never wish such a fate on anyone, not even Snape. Wait - no Snivellus can have it, what's wrong with me? That git. Bet he wheedled it into Evan's brain that I'm a spoiled arrogant troublemaker. If only he knew. Not totally wrong actually, if his definition of spoiled is being locked in a cellar for days without food or water or light, watching your little brother's mind getting poisoned to hate you, just for being a Gryffindor.

Sometimes I wish the Blacks would just disown me and get on with it. I smiled grimly to myself and looked up. The moon was out, but it obviously wasn't full, or I would have been in the Shrieking Shack, as a dog keeping a werewolf company. The moonlight danced back and forth, giving off just enough light to keep the shadows at bay.

I cupped my hand around my ear, listening to the sound of my blood gushing around inside of me, penetrating the silence and comforting me. I heard a soft rustling sound and instinctively curled into a ball, tucking my knees into my chest. I knew who it was already, without even looking. I closed my eyes, willing myself not to cry.

We sat in a comfortable silence as Remus came over and wrapped his hand around my shoulders.

"Can you tell me what happened?" his gentle voice finally asked.

I was quiet for a moment before I mumbled, "Why are you still here?"

"But I just got here!" he exclaimed.

"No, I mean, like, here with me. Why are you still hanging out with me?"

Remus sat back and thought for a second, apparently shocked I would ask such a question. "I could ask you the same thing. I'm a werewolf. The society frowns upon my existence entirely, and I turn into a fully fledged monster once a month. Why do you still hang out with me?"

"You're not a monster." I lift my head and glare at him. He stares right back, unfazed.

"What did James say?"

"How did you know it was James?"

Remus scoffed. "When will you two get it into your thick headed skulls that I can literally smell fear and anger? It's only a couple days until the full, and that only makes it stronger. AND you both are sending off enough anger and frustration to set off a dung bomb from six feet away. Now, what'd he say?"

I blinked very hard with my head still resting on my knees to keep the tears at bay. "L-Lily and James were in t-the common room, and I was finishing an essay when I heard Lily venting as usual about how J-James and me are getting out of control . . . a-and . . . she called me just another rich, thick headed B-Black," I whispered, "James didn't even s-say ANYTHING, he just SAT there!"

I could hear my voice slowly rising, and I didn't bother to stop it.

" Whose side is he on? We all promised to have each other's backs and be there for each other! What happened to that promise huh? EVANS was talking, so he was fine with it and I - . . . I really thought he was my friend."

"Then I ran into the dorm and James followed me, and we had a row." I hurriedly buried my face into my robes to hide the tears that finally managed to leak out of my eyes.

Remus just stayed with me, rubbing my back and waiting for me to calm down.

"You aren't like any of them. At Grimmauld Place. You're awesome, and the Sorting Hat must've sensed some of that awesomeness because what house did it put you in?"

"Gryffindor. . ."

"Exactly."