Haikyu!! one-shots

Tear Stains and Kisses (IwaOi)

Warning: Harmful thoughts about one's self and an angsty beginning, there will be fluff at the end, but the beginning is very dark and self-abusing. Some of these are based on things I think about myself and so anyone that can relate to thinking these things about themselves is wrong. Every single one of you is worth something, you are all important to somebody, things will get better, just hang on a little longer.

(Oikawa's POV)

Oikawa was trying to be quiet as he sobbed into his pillow, like he had done so many nights before this one. He always tried to be quiet when he cried, especially this late at night- or was it early morning now?- when he was supposed to be asleep.

His parents had gone to bed earlier and he didn't want to wake them up, not with something this trivial and moronic. Something as stupid and useless as Oikawa himself.

Oikawa had learned of his feelings for his best friend a while ago, but other than calling him 'Iwa-chan', he hadn't made a move on his friend, or clued him in on the feelings that were only growing as more time went by. He knew there was no point, Hajime was straight, and Oikawa knew that, he accepted that, but it didn't make it hurt any less, it didn't make it ache any less.

He'd seen Iwaizumi with a girl today, and she'd seemed really into him, she'd clung to his every word, giggled whenever he told her a joke, she'd even kissed his cheek before she had walked home with her friends.

He wanted to be that, he wanted to be the one clinging to Iwaizumi, the one laughing at his jokes, cheering him on as he kept the other boys in check, the one Iwaizumi talked to.

Oikawa had felt jealousy, anger, possessiveness, envy roiling in his gut as he was forced to watch his best friend, the love of his life, flirt and smile at another person, wishing it was himself. But most of all, the feeling that was hitting home the most for Oikawa, the feeling that scared him out of his wits the most, was the hatred. Not at Hajime, never at Hajime, not even at the girl that had been attached to his hip, but towards Oikawa himself.

Hatred of falling in love with a boy that could never love him back, the hatred of falling in love with someone that could never be his, the hatred of falling in love with his best friend, which increased the risks of everything that had been running through Oikawa's head.

He'd run so many scenarios through his head about what would happen if he confessed, that he was running out of ideas.

His friends would laugh at him for one, then they would leave, and then he'd be alone. Or worse, they would be forced to choose sides, and if that happened then he might split up Makki and Mattsun, and he could never do that to them. In the end, he knew that if they were forced to choose sides, that they would go to Iwaizumi, they had no reason to join Oikawa, or be on his side. They had no reason to be loyal to him. He didn't want them to live with guilt of leaving him behind, if there was any guilt at all if it ever happened.

So it was better to bottle it all up, then let it spill over when he was home, or alone in a bathroom.

It was true, he couldn't say anything about the way Hajime had been acting, he'd always done something similar, but this was different somehow. He'd never accepted the kisses or the dates that the girls that threw themselves at his feet offered him, he always politely turned them down, saying that there was someone else that his heart belonged to, but he agreed to be their friend if they ever needed one.

As much as he loved making other's feel good about themselves and boosting their confidence, he could somehow never do the same for himself. He was always bringing himself down, and in the process, bring everyone else up. It had always been that way, but it had been different with Iwaizumi. Iwaizumi, when they were kids, had promised to fight anyone that said a bad thing about Oikawa, which was why Oikawa got smacked or punched or even headbutted so much. There was no one crueler to Oikawa than Oikawa himself, and he knew that, but that didn't make it any easier to believe in himself.