Unwanted Attractions

Chapter 3

  "So, these are the Hobbits." Thorin remarks facing the two "Tell me, Mr. and Ms. Baggins, have you either of you done much fighting?"
  "Pardon?" Both of them looked at him confused
  "Axe or sword? What's your weapon of choice?"
  "Well, I have some skill at Conkers, if you must know, but I fail to see why that's relevant," Bilbo answered
  Rosa shrugged before answer "I wouldn't know, I've never used either."
  "Thought as much. They look more like grocers than burglars."
  The dwarves all laugh then they went into the dining area.

  The dwarves and Gandalf sit around the table as they talk. Rosa helps Bilbo straighten up the pantry.
  "What news from the meeting in Ered Luin? Did they all come?" Balin asks
  "Aye. Envoys from all seven kingdoms." Thorin tells him
The dwarves murmur their joy.
  "What do the dwarves of the Iron Hills say? Is Dain with us?" Dwalin asked him now
"They will not come."
  The dwarves murmur in disappointment.
  "They say this quest is ours, and ours alone."
  "You're going on a quest?" Bilbo asks going up to the group
  Rosa's head shots up at the mention of a quest.
  "Bilbo, my dear fellow, let us have a little more light."
Bilbo brings a candle to the table, where Gandalf has spread out a map. "Far to the East, over ranges and rivers, beyond woodlands and wastelands, lies a single solitary peak."
  "The Lonely Mountain," Bilbo says reading the map
  "Aye. Oin has read the portents, and the portents say it is time."
  "Ravens have been seen flying back to the mountain as it was foretold: When the birds of yore return to Erebor, the reign of the beast will end."
  Bilbo looks at them concerned hearing the beast.
  "Uh, What beast?" Rosa asks coming up next Bilbo
  "Well, that would be a reference to Smaug the Terrible, chiefest, and greatest calamity of our age. Airborne fire-breather, teeth like razors, claws like meathooks, extremely fond of precious metals-"
  "Yes, thank you, my brother, and I know what a dragon is, master dwarf." Rosa remarks
Ori jumps to his feet "I'm not afraid! I'm up for it. I'll give him a taste of the Dwarvish iron right up his jacksie."
Several dwarves shout at this cheering the young dwarfs' courage.
  "Sit down!" Dori says pulling him back down
  "The task would be difficult enough with an army behind us. But we number just thirteen, and not thirteen of the best, nor brightest."
  The dwarves start objecting.
  "What did he say?" Oin asks
  "We may be few in number, but we're fighters, all of us, to the last dwarf!" Fili tells them with pride
  "And you forget, we have a wizard in our company. Gandalf will have killed hundreds of dragons in his time."
  "Oh, well, now, uh, I-I-I wouldn't say that, I-"
  "How many, then?" Dori asks
  "Uh, what?" Gandalf asks looking at him
  "Well, how many dragons have you killed?"
  Gandalf embarrassingly starts coughing on his pipe smoke; the dwarves jump to their feet, arguing. Bilbo and Rosa try to say something but the dwarves are being so loud they can't hear them.
  Thorin jumps up in anger and shouts 'Shazara!' silencing them. "If we have read these signs, do you not think others will have read them too? Rumors have begun to spread. The dragon Smaug has not been seen for 60 years. Eyes look east to the Mountain, assessing, wondering, weighing the risk. Perhaps the vast wealth of our people now lies unprotected. Do we sit back while others claim what is rightfully ours? Or do we seize this chance to take back Erebor? Du Bekâr! Du Bekâr!"
  All the dwarves cheer.
  "You forget: the front gate is sealed. There is no way into the mountain."
  They stopped and think about what he said.
  "That, my dear Balin, is not entirely true," Gandalf tells him Twiddling his fingers, produces a dwarvish key, ornately wrought.
  Thorin looks at it in wonder. "How came you by this?"
  "It was given to me by your father, by Thrain, for safekeeping." Gandalf explains as he hands it to Thorin "It is yours now."
  "If there is a key, there must be a door."
  Gandalf points at runes on the map with his pipe. "These runes speak of a hidden passage to the lower halls."
  "There's another way in!"
  "Well, if we can find it, but dwarf doors are invisible when closed. The answer lies hidden somewhere on this map and I do not have the skill to find it. But there are others in Middle-earth who can. The task I have in mind will require a great deal of stealth, and no small amount of courage. But, if we are careful and clever, I believe that it can be done."
  "That's why we need burglars."
  "Hm, some good ones, too. Experts, I'd imagine." Rosa remakes smiling as she begins thinking about the adventure
  "And are you two?" Golin asks them
  "Are we what?" Bilbo asks confused
  "He said their experts!"
  "U--Us?" Bilbo shakes his head "No, no, no, no, no. We're not burglars; we've never stolen a thing in our lives."
  "I'm afraid I have to agree with Mr. Baggins. They're hardly burglar material."
  Bilbo nods in agreement. Rosa just sighs, shaking her head at him.
  "Aye, the wild is no place for gentlefolk who can neither fight nor fend for themselves."
  Bilbo continues nodding in agreement; the dwarves begin arguing. Gandalf, grows angry standing up "Enough!" He shouts as he starts speaking in his 'powerful' voice. The dwarves stop. "If I say they are burglars, then burglars they are." Then he sit and starts talking in his normal voice "Hobbits are remarkably light on their feet. In fact, they can pass unseen by most if they choose. And while the dragon is accustomed to the smell of dwarves, the scent of hobbits is all but unknown to him, which gives us a distinct advantage. You asked me to find the fourteenth and fifteenth members of this company, and I have chosen Mr. Baggins and his sister. There's a lot more to them than appearances suggest, and they've got a great deal more to offer than any of you know, including themselves. You must trust me on this."
  "Very well. We will do it your way."
  "No, no, no." Bilbo tries to protest while Rosa just smiles to herself
  "Give them their contracts." Thorin turns to Balin
  "Please."
  "It's just the usual summary of out-of-pocket expenses, time required, remuneration, funeral arrangements, so forth." Balin hands Bilbo a long contract
  "Funeral arrangements?" He questions taking it
  Balin turns to Rosa "And here's your lassie."
  "Oh, thank you," Rosa says taking hers

  As Bilbo and Rosa step back to read their contracts, Thorin leans toward Gandalf. "I cannot guarantee their safety." He whispers
  Gandalf nods "Understood."
  "Nor will I be responsible for their fates,"
  Gandalf thinks for a moment then nods "Agreed."
  Bilbo starts reading parts of his contract out loud. "Terms: Cash on delivery, up to but not exceeding one-fourteenth of total profit, if any. Seems fair. Eh, Present company shall not be liable for injuries inflicted by or sustained as a consequence thereof including but not limited to lacerations ... evisceration ... incineration?" He looks at the dwarves
  "Oh, aye, he'll melt the flesh off your bones in the blink of an eye," Bofur tells him
Bilbo blinks looking at him feeling woozy.
  "You all right, laddie?"
  Bilbo bends over, nauseous. "Uh, yeah...Feel a bit faint."
  "Think furnace with wings." Bofur continues
  Rosa walks over to Bilbo "Ignore him, brother, take deep breaths okay." She tells him placing her hand on his shoulder
  "Air, I--I--I need air."
  "Flash of light, searing pain, then Poof! you're nothing more than a pile of ash."
  Bilbo breathes heavily, trying to compose himself as the others stare at him. "Hmmm. Nope."
  Bilbo falls back into Rosa in a faint. She glances at Bofur a little upset but doesn't say anything instead she begins dragging Bilbo to the living room.
  "Oh, very helpful, Bofur," she hears Gandalf tell Bofur