The Birth of Claude

Chapter Three: [Part Five]

"You can go home now," William waved his hand at the two of them. There was no need for Sebastian and Grell to waste any more time. They had come, they had seen him, it had been registered in both of their brains that he was fine, time for them to leave. It took much coercing for him to get the two of them out. Now that they were gone and the nurses had stopped worrying about him, William was left with a sense of intense loneliness. 

He looked out the window and up at the stars. They were shining down at him without so much as realizing the suffering he experienced. A pain in his chest and a curse to tell. William struggled to get out of the hospital bed and over to a payphone. It was time to tell Sebastian the truth. He needed to know who Grell really was. He was tired of pretending Grell was simply a student. 

Barely enough change and hardly a well enough memory to remember Sebastian's phone number, William sighed as he attempted the call. There was a click, the phone must've gone through. "Michaelis?" he asked, unsure of if the number he dialed was correct. 

"Speaking," Sebastian replied. There was an agitation in his voice. William wanted to sigh. He refrained. This coldness from Sebastian wasn't something he was used to. If he told him the truth, there would be a winter breeze. 

"I need to tell you something," William hesitated. He wanted to tell him the truth but wasn't sure how to say it. The only way he knew was bluntly...and he wasn't so dense as to explain this so much like him. 

"Can you hurry it up? I need to get Claude to bed and I'm tired as well," William could hear Sebastian yawn. This wasn't the right time. But, if he didn't say anything now when would be the right time?

Forcing his motivations to the side, William decided it wouldn't happen tonight. He allowed the conversation to drift off. "Ah, he hasn't slept yet?" the uneasiness clear in his voice. There was an anxiety he didn't understand building up within him. 

"He was sleeping but he heard me get home and is now...well...on my lap asking questions," Sebastian said. William lost all hope of trying to say anything about Grell. Instead, he made a promise to himself never to speak to Grell again. At least, they wouldn't be so intimate. Perhaps speaking was fine. William simply would refrain from so blatantly cheating on Sebastian. 

"You should look after him then. Sorry to trouble you after you were just here. It was nothing. Look after Claude," William hung up. He didn't wait for Sebastian to ask more questions. He didn't wait for Sebastian to reply. He simply returned to his hospital room, got scolded by the nurses, and silently cried himself to sleep. The pain of the injuries, the pain of the injuries on his heart, he wanted nothing more than to wither away into the depths of the darkness. There was no love in this world. No love for him. No love for anyone. Part of him wished he died in that accident, instead of living on only to be an empty shell. Claude would be fine without him. Sebastian would be more than fine without him. He had nothing to offer. Nothing to give. And certainly, no heart to feel. 

"I am the scum of the earth," he whispered to himself. Tears still soaking his cheeks. Agony, anxiety, unease, still welling up inside him. He wanted truth and yet he couldn't give it. How hypocritical could one be? 

"I knew you weren't fine," Grell's voice echoed in William's ears. He opened his eyes to see the redhead at his window, opening it slowly, and sitting on the edge. He wasn't supposed to be here. Visiting hours had long since passed. Besides, that wasn't a safe area in the slightest. He shouldn't be sitting on the edge of the windowsill. William wanted to say all of this. He wanted to but the minute he opened his mouth no words escaped. 

"Penny for your thoughts?" Grell smiled. The moonlight resting on his shiny red hair. William took a mental picture of this scene. He wanted to remember it. 

William struggled to sit up but Grell interrupted his movements. "You shouldn't strain yourself, you know? Don't worry about me. I'm more worried about you," he frowned. "You are acting a bit too much like yourself."

"Too much like myself?" William repeated the words. He closed his eyes and sighed. "I suppose that is the problem, isn't it? Me being myself." 

"I don't think there is a problem with that. You just aren't really allowing yourself to fully be yourself...and instead, are forcing yourself to be something else. I don't mind either way, but," Grell crossed his arms. "You are allowed to be yourself. There isn't anything wrong with it. You don't have to try and be too cold or too warm. You can be just you. So, if you want to cry you can cry. If you want to laugh you can laugh. You're holding yourself back from being yourself, and that is the true tragedy."

The emotions he'd tried to bury were forced to the surface. The fear of dying. The wish to die. The fear of losing Sebastian. The wish to be with Grell, freely. There were a number of conflicting feelings inside of William all moving to the surface. The tears he had silently cried were now flooding out of him. Ugly sobbing in the hospital bed. Grell lept through the window and knelt down beside William. He held the man in his arms and allowed him to cry. 

"I'm sorry," William apologized, unable to stop, but not wanting to ruin Grell's shirt. 

"There is no need to be sorry," Grell smiled, kissing William's head.