HLHA

Sensitive

I'm not really sure when it started, but I have been losing my faith in God.

I'm a fully pledged Christian. I went through several sacraments all throughout my life, some even several times. I studied in a Catholic school in elementary where I pray the rosary several times a week and always go to mass. I grew up in a very religious family, so religious that my aunts are giving away parcels of lands to priests to build chapels. I was even an active member of the integral youth ministry in my entire high school. I cry when I hear the mass and sing with the choir. I used to be one of those few teenagers who go to church an hour early so I can sit in front. I volunteer in reading the bible, proclaiming the words of God to others

There were no excuses because I acted my religion. I did more than every Christian would do in their life. I was faithful. Was.

Maybe it started when the new priest in my church only talked about money during his homilies. That there were no lessons in his words but encouragements to give more to the church. That the blessings are given to those who had something to offer or give. That I wasn't crying nor was I feeling the presence I usually felt there before anymore and that I was only attending as a Sunday requirement. When our priest lived a luxurious life with food given by the rich while families around him were starving. When they asked a person out of the church when she was wearing old rotten pants and slippers but didn't think that maybe that was all she had.

Or

Maybe it started when I asked God to give me the job that I wanted. When I said that if this was what he had planned for me then let it be. He did give it to me but it has been very hard. Everyday I would cry in front of Him begging to help me feel better to help me stop from harming myself. But I thought that this was His plans and I knew He would ease my sufferings. I can't question God of something that I asked from him. But it never happened. For 3 years I continued to suffer and cry everyday until I decided to end it myself. And just like that I became better, I felt better.

Or

Maybe it was when I finally went back to church after a few months of absence just to thank him for giving me the best family. Two days before that, I have had two amazing evenings with them and I decided to thank Him for the blessing. I was grateful that I had a family that was constantly happy. I had people who were supporting me. I was lucky. I didn't even ask for anything. I just prayed and said my gratitude. The night of the same day, He gave my family the biggest problem we have ever faced in our entire lives. The once happy and close family started to fall apart. He gave us a problem that caused permanent damage to us. For what reason? To test our bond? To measure how far we are willing to sacrifice for each other? To put our love for each other to the test? To let us know that we are not that perfect of a family than we think? To tell us that we can't be too happy with our lives and with each other?

WE WERE FINE!

There are millions of people asking for help and  going through difficulties in the world. People are dying, children are starving, countries are at war, the world is crumbling! Why bother with us when He can just focus on those who ACTUALLY needs Him? If everything is according to His plan, then what are His plans for us that needed hurting us all?

I still pray even if I don't understand how He works. I still want to believe that at the end of this problem is a new lesson, a new strength. But I just can't find enough reasons to keep the faith.