Chapter 25: Ambivalent. Part II.
"Where are you going?" Jimmy said jumping out of a dark room at me, making me jump out of my skin. I placed my hand over my hammering heart and sighed a low growl at him before punching his arm.
"Fucking hell, dude! You scared the shit outta me." I warned him, making him chuckle to himself as he followed me like a lost puppy.
"Sorry, sorry." He blabbered carelessly. "-Where are you going anyways?" He asked again, trailing behind me happily. I'd turn and glance him once in a while. I sighed and shook my head.
"Out." I replied flatly.
"Out where?" He sang as he skipped behind me teasingly. I growled at his childlike nature and rolled my eyes as we both stepped out of the nice cool house into the hot summer sun.
"I'm going to the Thrift Store." I mumbled at him.
"Why?" He questioned lively. I was beginning to get sick and tired of his question game. I didn't want anyone to know where I was going and why. But I knew Jimmy was going to follow me anyways. It was in his personality to do so.
"I'm going to get the outfit for my funeral." I chocked out. Jimmy and I both stopped at the stop sign down the street.
"Oh." Jimmy breathed lowly. I hadn't realized how difficult it was to actually say that out loud. It reminded me of when I finally let it out the first time.
I don’t know how I found myself sitting on a bench on the pier, looking out at the light beige sand that had the morning life guards preparing for the hot day. I always found the sound of waves relaxing and it helped center my mind.
Mindlessly, I played with the two necklaces that were wrapped around my neck. I swayed the sterling silver feather from side to side on its chain. My mom got me the feather while my dad, he got me a gold necklace that had handcuffs on them. It feels weird to have two necklaces on that represent two halves of my personality. Dad’s seen one half and mom grew up with the other half. I feel like I have no choice but to be two very different people. One’s night, the other’s day; one’s East Coast while the other is West Coast. In New Jersey I grew up being a free child. Mom got me a necklace that represents beauty and freedom, a single feather hanging loosely on a chain. I got to show my mom that I was like her in every way. But here, I feel like I’m very bound and restricted. I feel like my dad expects me to be the person he always dreamed I’d be. He always wanted me to come to California for School and grow up, get married, have kids, get a career, pay bills and grow old under the laws of mainstream society. I feel like the handcuff necklace represents that. He may not have known the subconscious reasoning behind why he liked it but his subconscious did.
From the corner of my eye I saw Jimmy sit down on the other end of the bench, leaving a gap between us. He didn’t say anything, he just sat there quietly.
“Do you want to tell me what happened back there?” He asked lowly, looking over at me with a sullen expression.
“No.” I muttered, shaking my head.
“Why?” He questioned. It took all I had to keep from bursting out in tears. The pain inside has never felt this large before. It’s never made me feel like there really is nothing left to live for. I swallowed the lump in my throat and shrugged.
“My problems don’t matter.” I reminded myself verbally.
“Yes they do.”
“No,” I whimpered. “–They don’t.” I was feeling a little poked and prodded at, it was making me feel so out of control.
“Do you really want to live the rest of your life thinking that your problems don’t matter?” Jimmy asked the question that pushed me over the edge. I pushed myself to my feet and towered over his sitting body.
