Chapter 19: I Don’t Give A Damn ‘Bout My Bad Reputation.
“I had no idea you were such a good write, a bit angry but a really good writer. Why don’t you post more personal things like this on your blog?” He asked flipping through the frayed pages that were lined with endless words and feelings. It made me feel empty knowing that he found all of my negative emotions. My mom says I’m the kind of person who wears a mask to hide my real feelings. I filter myself online to make it seem like I’m a very happy person, that I’m not troubled or damaged in anyway. People believe my mask; they don’t see the words engraved on the inside.
“I’m hiding behind a mask that if I removed, I’d remove who I really am with it.” I explained with a sore and raspy voice. The nurse came in with a cheery smile and unhooked the IV line and oxygen from me. She said that whenever I was ready the papers were at the reception desk. The nurse left the room with a smile. I stood up from the bed, my legs were stiff but they were limbering out. Dad’s eyes scanned me carefully with a sorrowful look in his hallow eyes.
“Is this anger a mask too? Is there a scared little girl under the raged mask? Is the life you had so terrible that you resent God and have no faith?” He asked. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Is he serious asking this? Is he serious asking me that the reason that I don’t believe in a faceless God is because of my shitty childhood? I couldn’t help but laugh at his ignorance and shake my head.
“You really don’t get it, do you?” I asked in disbelief. “–I don’t understand the blind faith you have in a faceless God that has his ‘children’ kill each other in his name. Millions have died because of him. Children are orphaned, molested and abandoned in the name of God. People kill themselves because they’re told unless they obey every rule in the Bible, they’re going to hell. How can you believe and love a ‘God’ that does those sorts of things? If he truly loves every single one of his creations then why is there so much anger and evil in the world?” I demanded coldly. Dad’s eyes warmed up with hope that he could salvage my soul.
“God works in mysterious ways,”
“Bullshit!” I shouted at him painfully. My chest ached slightly at the strained amount of air passing through it. “–God works in mysterious way? Tell me one mysterious way God has worked.” I was cold with my words but I was honest. Dad pursed his lips and stared at me with so much hope in his eyes.
“He brought you to me.” He replied lowly. I shook my head and laughed at his answer.
“No, no way in hell is ‘God’ going to take credit for something I did! I came to you; God has nothing to do with this. I got off my ass and began looking for you; no holy voice came down from the sky and led me to your door. I went through hell and high water to look for you. I betrayed my mom’s trust for you and you want to praise God for my work?” I finally snapped at him. The look on his face said he didn’t understand, still. He didn’t register anything I just said. He was trying to process it all. He’s not getting it. I don’t think he’s ever going to get it.
I shook my head in disbelief and let my fingers fall against the crease between my lips. My eyebrows twitched upwards as I turned my back to him.
“Fuck me.” I uttered sadly, knowing that as many times as I would tell him about my religious point of view, he wouldn’t understand. He would never understand why I don’t believe in God.
After mine and Dad’s altercation yesterday we carried on as if nothing happened. I took my backpack back and left the hospital after signing the release papers. Jimmy was sitting outside, leaning against the hospital with his head thrown back against the brick building. Nobody said anything the entire ride back to the house. When we got back Barbra made dinner and most of the night was spent in awkward silence. I went to bed fairly early but not too early. I couldn’t sleep most of the night, not with the thoughts of not fulfilling life banging around my head. So I sat by the window and made my own bucket list while Rae slept happily in the bed. I went to bed after I was done but I still couldn’t sleep.
This morning when I got up, I felt like I had to take over the world. I felt rebellious, so that’s exactly what I did.
Rae had woken up a couple hours earlier than I did so she was downstairs with Gerard. I had broken out a can of Coke and a packet of Twinkies. I knew that everyone was awake, apart from Jimmy but I cranked up my Black Hearts Record and jumped on the bed with an unlit cigarette between my lips and Rae’s Les Paul guitar strapped over my shoulder. I crumpled the duvet beneath my feet as I jumped on the old creaky spring bed.
I completely rocked out to Bad Reputation while jumping on the bed. I’ve done this before but I felt like I needed to get things done before I kicked the bucket in a couple of weeks. Hell, I can die today. I need to get a move on with living my life.
I jumped on the bed while the Saturday morning sun poured in through the windows of the musky old room that reminded me of a farmer’s daughter’s room. I wore my white Sex Pistols muscle shirt with my toothpaste white and blue stripped shorts. My legs were deathly pale from always wearing jeans all the time. I swung my head around, messing my hair up and causing future sore muscles in my neck and back. I didn’t give a damn though, I was living life as best as I could before I start pushing up daisies.
I stopped rocking out and being the hellion my mother raised me to be and looked up from the messy bed to the doorway where Dad had his finger on the pause button on the cassette player. He stared at me confusedly from the doorway; he was already dressed in a flannel button down shirt and blue jeans. Dad’s eye brows fell together.
“Good morning, Eliese.” He said unsure of himself or the entire situation we were in. I smiled at him with the unlit cigarette dangling between my lips loosely.
“Morning!” I exclaimed happily. Dad nodded once before going down the hallway, his spot was soon filled in by Jimmy. He leaned against the old wooden door frame and watched me with an eyebrow high up on his pale forehead and his arms crossed over his chest.
“I thought you were a The Runaways fan instead of The Black Hearts.” Jimmy was unsure of my musical taste. I stood on the bed and pulled the cigarette from between my lips and let it dangle between my index and middle finger.
“Nobody can beat ’76 Cherry Bomb. I am The Runaways fan until the day I die.” I commented happily but then realized what I said. The mood quickly shifted. Jimmy and I avoided eye contact with each other. With a quick glance I saw Jimmy staring at my small pile of papers at the end of the bed on the floor.
“What’s that?” He asked coming into the room. I pulled off the guitar and set it down on the floor, leaning against the bed before I jumped off of the bed and scooped up my papers before Jimmy could get his grubby hands on them.
“It’s my bucket list.” I snickered at him, holding the papers close to my chest. Jimmy’s eyebrow sky rocketed again.
“Lemme guess, sky diving, bungee jumping and a massive orgy are on there?” Jimmy’s words made me laugh hard. I shook my head at him and smirked.
“Jimmy, I’m dying of a heart condition; do you really think sky diving and bungee jumping are on my list?” I asked sarcastically. Jimmy simply shrugged his shoulders and made a face. “–And orgies are nasty.” I added.
“Why’d you make a bucket list?” Jimmy asked trying to see what I had written on the papers but I kept the face of my writing tightly snug into my chest.
“Because Jimmy, I aint gonna live forever, I plan on gettin my forever in this one summer.” I told him using my thick Brooklyn accent, I try and hide it but my mom’s Brooklyn accent has rubbed off onto me. Jimmy curiously looked at me.
“You’re gonna live forever in a summer?” He questioned curiously. I gave him a single, sure nod.
“Is that gonna make you die happy, if we check off everything on that, there list?” I nodded again.
“Okay, I’ll help you; just like I promised.”
