Chapter 17: Would You Still Be There.
I perched myself at the end of the pier and dangled my legs off the ledge, I stared off into the sun rise. I growled mentally when Jimmy came and sat beside me, dangling his long legs off the ledge.
“Do you have like cancer or something? ‘Cause dad will get you the treatment you need. You don’t need to die.” Jimmy blathered on. His kindness made me smile but I shook my head.
“No, it’s not cancer. It’s Pulmonary Stenosis.” I told the first person what it was. Nobody other than the Doctor and me know what’s killing me. I looked over at Jimmy, he seemed lost. He didn’t know these big terms. I pursed my lips before wetting them with the end of my tongue.
“There’s a tear in a valve, almost cutting off blood supply to the right ventricle. It’s getting worse.” I explained to him sullenly. “–Please, don’t tell anyone. I don’t want anyone to know.” I made him swear to me that he’s going to keep this to himself. He nodded and we went back to silence. Nobody will understand who amazing it feels to finally get something like that off your chest. It’s one of the greatest feelings in the entire world.
“You need to stop acting like your problems don’t matter, your emotional and mental health matter just as much as everyone else’s. You need a support system right now, especially now since you’re dying.” Jimmy told me as we both sat on the end of the pier watching the ocean’s waves roll in and out lazily, hugging the shore. We watched the sun slowly rise from the horizon. Inside I knew he was right even though my heart was breaking to put my issues on other people.
“I think that’s why you came all this way. You’re looking for a place to heal and people to help heal you. I mean, you already have a dad back in New Jersey. You have a mom and a little brother, why would you come across the Country if you already had a family, unless; they never felt like a family to you.” Jimmy maybe a really insane person but what he’s saying is very deep and meaningful. He kept pinching that one nerve that nobody’s intentionally hit before. He knew he was pinching it too; he wanted me to open up and talk to him. I knew I had to but I didn’t know how.
“I don’t know what but I know something really terrible happened to you in the past. I can see it in your eyes. I think you came to California to run away from the past for the remaining time you have so you can heal. But you don’t know how to heal because you’re trying to do it by yourself. Nobody can heal by themselves, they need help. They need . . . love. You just need to tell someone about the terrible things, you need to tell dad.” I nodded at his statement and frowned with tears stinging my eyes.
“I don’t want you to die, Sidda, but everyone dies at some point. Now, I don’t want you to die unhappy.” Jimmy’s words were kind and soft. “–I’m gonna be there to help you heal, I promise.”
After our little talk, Jimmy and I walked back to the house where there was a group of puzzled and groggy people wondering what was going on. I told them that I just got into an argument with my step-dad and stormed out. Dad was worried about me but Barbra seemed to think that my problem could be solved with Chocolate Chip Pancakes. I can’t say for certain that it 100% didn’t work. It made me feel better though.
After breakfast #2, I went for a shower. When I got out everyone was watching the play-by-plays of last night’s baseball game. It was Boston Red Sox vs. Los Angeles Dodgers. Zack was cocky that the dodgers were going to win; I assured him that the beach bunny boys weren’t going to win a baseball game against the boys from Boston. I know for a fact that their best batter is from Brooklyn. You don’t mess with the East Coast, we invented the fucking game.
