emotions, jack gilinsky

51

jack gilinsky

"lucid dreams?" amara questions, looking at the screen. "as if it's not overplayed enough."

"fine." i scoff playfully, handing her my phone. "you pick a song."

"your music taste is tragic." she teases, and i roll my eyes.

it was about six in the evening when we parked at an ice skating rink. "you ready?" i ask, looking over at her.

"i'm gonna fall," she informs. "many times. so you better get ready to take me to the hospital when i break my leg."

"i practically live at the hospital." i murmur, sending her a smile. "come on, i got you."

"have you ice skated before?" amara asks as our hands link together.

"i usually do every year, like twice." i inform, "you'll get it in no time, i know you will."

"i know i can always count on you to give me false hope."

i mock her as i open the door for her, and she grins at me. the others had been waiting for us by the skate rental space.

"hey, you two." johnson greets, bringing the both of us for a hug. "get your skates."

i offer to get amara's skates, allowing her to engage in a conversation with sammy and meredith.

+

"amara, you have the balance of a four month old baby." nate tells her, and she squints at him before joining me in the front.

i focused myself on the ground, knowing i was gonna have to pull her around with me. she wasn't kidding, i may have to actually take her to the hospital if she keeps falling at this rate.

"this is so embarrassing." she mumbles,
"i've fallen so many times."

"you'll get the hang of it." i assure, "hold on to the rail, too."

"ugh, wait. my feet hurt." i stop, grabbing ahold of her waist as i lead her towards the edge of the ring. she lets out a small sigh of relief as she leaned back on the wall. "that feels so much better."

"you having fun?"

"yeah." she nods, and i smile down at her. "anything's fun with you."

"i didn't know you were this cheesy." i tease, and she looks down at the ground shyly. "it's cute, though."

"stop." she laughs, and i lean down to meet her lips. our kiss lasted another few seconds, before we were interrupted as always.

"come on, you guys! we're gonna eat!"

+

"derek ran into a tree once—"

"twice." nate corrects, as derek sends him a death glare.

we were reminiscing on a trip the guys and i took last winter, where we decided to experiment with snow boarding. amara seemed to be enjoying the story, but i noticed how meredith had been a little spaced out.

"i'm gonna head to the bathroom, and then we can go skate again." i tell them, standing up and giving amara an assuring look before making my way to the gender neutral bathroom across the building.

i didn't feel the need to use the bathroom, but i just needed some time to myself. being with a group of people overwhelmed me, and i hadn't even realized it until recently.

i look at myself in the mirror, fixing my hair slightly. the door opens behind me, and i watch as meredith enters.

she approaches the sink beside me, and begins washing her hands. "hey."

"hi." she greets politely.

"how have you been? i feel like we haven't talked in a while."

"yeah." she sighs. "i'm fine. things with my parents are slowly going back to normal. you?"

"same old." i shrug.

"i see you and amara are together."

"yeah." i nod, "we are."

"y-you guys are cute." she tells me, though i noticed her small frown.

"oh, meredith. are you sure you're good? you don't need to hold it in. is it with your parents?"

"no."

"then what? you can tell me."

i watch as she lets out a sigh of frustration. and then it all happened so fast, as she had leaned in and pressed her lips against mine.

i pull away as soon as we touched, and push her back. "what the fuck, meredith?"

she covers her face with her hands, leaning against the tiled wall. "fuck, i'm so sorry."

"no, you're not." i mutter. "why'd you do that?! you know i'm with amara."

"i know." she agrees. "fuck, i know. but i can't do it, jack. i can't sit here and pretend i only see you as a friend, when i clearly see you as something more."

"meredith—"

"we've always been friends with benefits." she cuts off. "we've never been anything more. and i thought that's what you wanted..but you got with her so fast. what's wrong with me? what does she have, that i don't?"

i took a few seconds to process her words, letting out a scoff. "seriously? shut up, meredith."

"you're an asshole." she spat, "and i'm sorry, but i like you. and amara can't just change that."

"i don't like you, though." i snap, "get that through your head, meredith. learn about consent while you're at it."

her lip quivers, and she lets out a small cry. "i told you i was sorry! i just don't understand—"

"i've known you for years." i tell her. "you never understood me, meredith, the way she does in a matter of months. you don't know who i really am, either. you've created your own version of me in your head, and i went along with it. but i don't want to do that anymore."

she seemed lost for words, the tears still coming down. i thought about the kiss once more, which angered me. "just..don't talk to me." i mumble. "i'm not gonna let you ruin this for me, meredith."

i couldn't let myself give her an opportunity to say anything else, pushing the door open and slamming it behind me. i felt betrayed, and guilty. guilty that her lips touched mine only a few days after i confessed my feelings for amara.

"my grandma wants me to come home." i tell them when i got back to the table. "so, i'm gonna head out."

"i'll come with." amara offers, standing from her seat. i could tell she knew i was shaken up, and i imagined the thousand questions she'd ask when we got to the car. but i let her come anyway.

"you seem off." she mentions the moment we get inside. "are you okay?"

"i'm good." i assure, leaning in for a hug she accepted. "honestly, i just wanted to go home."

"i get that." she nods, "i can go home, too, if you want to be alone."

"no, i don't want you to go."

she looks over at me with a small smile, "good. i didn't want you to be alone, either."

•••
my angels they're SO CUTE