emotions, jack gilinsky

30

jack gilinsky

multiple machines beeped around me, and it got harder to tune them out as the minutes went by.

all i did was focus on him, on the tube traveling up his nostril, his closed eyes. i'd wondered what he'd been thinking, what he'd been dreaming. if he was even dreaming.

"i think it's time you stop towering over him, now." my mom mutters behind me. "give him some air."

"he's not even breathing himself." i reply blankly. "will he ever breath again?"

she doesn't respond, and i just hear the door close behind me. i thought she'd left, but i felt her arms wrap around me.

i freeze for a moment before slowly turning around and completing the hug. she'd been practically crushing me, but i didn't mention it. this felt good, and i knew it was a rare sighting.

"i've been so exhausted for the past few months." she admits, "and i haven't been paying attention to you..i'm sorry."

"i'm fine with grandma." i smile weakly. "really, though. but where is she?"

she lets out a laugh, "she'll be back tomorrow, she went to visit a friend a couple hours away."

i nod, leaning against the wall as she does so. "i miss him." she murmurs.

"me too." i reply, "how long are they willing to keep him?"

she shakes her head, "i..don't know. i don't think they gave us a limit."

maybe they should.

+

i watch as she frantically runs around, helping everyone the best she could. she'd been so frustrated, she didn't even realize i was sitting there.

"hey, man. what's up?" derek greets, sliding into the booth.

"not much."

"are you coming to practice today?"

"i quit."

he blinks at me, "you quit? you quit football?"

"yeah." i sigh, "i mean, i'm going to."

he narrows his eyes at me, "really? i mean..we're counting on you, jack."

"i feel like i'm overworking myself."

"oh, yeah." he rolls his eyes. "i'm dealing with my over-expecting parents at home, taking care of my younger siblings, keeping up with my grades, playing football. not to mention, working my ass off at this job. and you..you're moping around, getting tutored by some girl, and you're overworked."

my eyebrows raise at him, "wow, derek. thanks for the reality check."

he shakes his head with a sigh, standing up. "sorry, jack. but we're counting on you. so put your big girl panties on and come to practice today."

he walks back into the kitchen, and i remain seated. i should go to practice.

he's right..what have i been doing that's overworking me? i'm an idiot.

"oh, hey." amara interrupts my thoughts, and i look up at her.

"sorry." i mutter. "i was just leaving."

before she could get a chance, i slide out of the booth and walk out of the diner.

amara rahman

"keep it up, boys!"

jack runs a little slower than the rest, and i could make out the struggle present on his face.

i didn't know why he decided to come to a practice today, but i was set on getting the answer. what i didn't like, though, was cj thinking i'd come to see him.

"hey, amara." cj smiles at me during one of their water break. "you came here for me?"

"no."

he turns back and looks at jack, who'd been sitting by himself, and then back at me. he scoffs, "oh, wow."

i shrug, "sorry."

"you're not."

"you're right..i'm not." my heart got closer and closer to exploding out of my chest as i kept talking to him. i felt nothing, but the nervousness was on another level.

"you gave me false hope." he murmurs, "that we would work out."

"you fucked gloria."

"you have a thing with jack gilinsky."

"said who?" i scoff.

"i saw the way you look at him. it was obvious you never wanted to be with me."

"so i didn't really give you false hope, now did i?"

his eyes burn into mine, "you're a slut, amara."

i open my mouth, but my mouth felt taped shut by the word. i felt trapped for a few seconds, trying to figure out how to snap out of it all.

a whistle interrupts our staring contest, and he leaves my side without hesitation, though glancing back at me with some sort of apologetic look.

i caught jack's eyes, and he stared at me like he'd heard our conversation, though it was nearly impossible.

i tore my eyes off of his, and stood up from the bench, walking off of the field and not looking back.

+

"oh god, amara. can you just tell me?" javi demands, pacing around in my room as i laid underneath my blanket.

"no." i murmur in response.

"you've been bawling your eyes out for an hour, and it's giving me a headache. so just spit it out, or i'll ask bri."

bri didn't know, either. in fact, i hadn't talked to her since last night.

he sighs after a few seconds, "want me to?"

"you won't get a response."

his hands fly up in the air dramatically, before he drops them by his side again. "great, just great."

he's silent for a few moments, and i look up with curiosity. he'd been sitting beside me, staring at me. "give me a hint."

"just leave me alone." i mutter.

"not if you're gonna keep ugly crying."

"fuck you, javi."

"fuck you too, amara. now tell me what's going on, i'm genuinely curious now."

my phone buzzes, and we both look over at bri's facetime call. "if i answer this, will you leave?"

"sure." he shrugs, standing up.

i answer the call, "hey, bri."

"amara..did cj really call you a slut?"

my eyes widen and javi whips around, "excuse me?"

i glare at bri, and she frowns. i stand up, pushing javi out of my room and slamming the door. "..yeah."

"i'm so sorry." she sighs. "really. and fuck ravyn, too. i'm sorry for being shitty lately."

i felt myself tear up as i look at her through my screen, "can you come over? i need you."

***
let me know how you're all feeling about this right now /: idk how i feel