emotions, jack gilinsky

29

amara rahman

"listen, i know mom's giving you a lot of freedom right now, but i still want you to be wise about it." javi suggests as we drive down the road.

"i don't even want to go." i tell him truthfully. "just for cj.."

"you guys are dating?" he presumes.

i shake my head, "not really..i guess we're close to it, though."

"he knows you're going through this and he still wants you to go?"

"he wants me to get my mind off of it." i murmur. "whatever, it's fine. it's just a small get-together. not like, a huge party or anything."

i was wrong.

"hey, babe." cj smiles at me, going in to kiss my cheek.

"i'm super undressed for this." i fuss, "i thought you said it was a get-together."

"at this place?" one of his friends chuckles. "dude, does your girl live under a rock? it's always a party at andrew's place."

i frown and cj narrows his eyes at him, "shut the fuck up." his friend rolls his eyes subtly before leaving his side. cj turns towards me, "come on."

he leads me through the huge crowd, and when we get to a room, he closes the door behind us. he turns back around, attaching our lips and pushing me towards the bed.

i kiss back for a while, until i felt tears coming out of my eyes. i break our kiss and his widen at me, "holy shit. are you okay? did i do something?"

i cover my face and wipe it, "i can't stop thinking about my dad.."

he sighs in response, "oh..i'm sorry."

"it's not your fault." i murmur. "i should've stayed home, or something. i feel like shit right now."

"sorry i didn't tell you it was a party." he apologizes. "i didn't want you to freak, and then not come."

we heard a knock on the door and cj looks over at me before getting up and opening the door. derek stood there, burning his eyes into cj's. "what the fuck?"

derek glances at me before dragging cj out of the room. my eyes widen and i immediately stand, running out of the room. "derek!"

the two stood in the hallway as derek leaned over cj, "what the fuck were you doing with my girl?"

cj furrows his eyebrows, "huh?"

"don't act stupid, christian. gloria! what the fuck were you doing with gloria?"

my heart drops and i make eye contact with jack, who'd scrambled up the stairs with nate and johnson.

"cj?" i ask, and the two look over at me. "what's he saying?"

"you two are together, right?" derek asks. "how much you guys want to bet they hooked up when he asked her out?"

the crowd breaks out into a few mumbles and jack sighs, "dude, we didn't tell you so you could make a huge scene—"

"you knew?" i interrupt, and his eyes widen at me.

"shit, uh.."

i stare at everyone in front of me, feeling the rate of my heartbeat rise within seconds. there were so many problems in this situation, and i couldn't tell with all of them at once.

so i walk away, pushing the crowds of people aside and making my way downstairs, with only one voice calling my name.

"please listen to me, amara." jack pleads as i reach the bottom, swinging the door open and stepping out into the cold air. "amara!"

i quietly turn around and wait for him to catch up. he bursts out of the door but sighs in relief when he sees me standing there. "i was gonna tell you." he admits. "today, actually. i found out today, and i went to the diner to tell you."

"and i was a bitch." i sigh, "great."

"i'm over it." he assures. "just..are you okay?"

"i'm—"

"amara." cj comes outside and walks past jack, wrapping his arms around me. "i'm so sorry."

my hands stay at my side, and my eyes remain open, looking right at jack. he stood there with his arms crossed.

cj pulls away and tries to kiss me, in which i tilt my head downwards and dodge it with ease. "babe—"

"we're not dating, so cut it with the pet names." i interrupt, stepping back. "and leave me alone, cj."

he stares back at me and for the first time, i'd seen bri emerge with ravyn by her side. ravyn.

"you can have her, too." i mention, pointing right at ravyn. "after all, it must've been hard for her talking all of that shit about me just to get to you."

before i could get a chance to see any of their reactions, i turn on my heels and began walking down the sidewalk.

"seriously, amara?" javi groans through the phone. "i just got home."

"i'll walk home then." i mumble, staring at the cement as i trail down the hill.

"oh, stop with that guilt trip voice. i'm coming."

i come to the end of the neighborhood and lean against the sign, watching all of the cars that pass me.

i look ahead of me at the huge apartment complex. although i shouldn't, i wanted to visit my dad. i'd found it unbelievable how he was unfaithful to my mom for all of that time when it seemed like he was the only one trying to keep our family together.

a part of me wanted to just sit with his presence and enjoy it. of course he'd been my favorite out of the two, he'd stuck with me through many things my mom wouldn't have been able to handle. of course she could've handled it with javi, though. her favorite child.

maybe my mom feels bad, and that's why she's trying so hard with me right now. because she knew my dad meant the world to me, and it all crashed in five minutes. we could act like we were okay, but it would never feel natural with her. not like how it was with my dad.

a honk interrupts my thoughts, and i look to my right where javi's head stuck out of the window, throwing his hands up dramatically. "are you going to get in or just stand there like an idiot?"