"What's depression like?" He asked.

My 18th birthday

Exactly 18 years ago a woman gave birth in Memphis, Tennessee. It was a boy. Not that it mattered, because even if it had been a girl, they wouldn't have been able to love it. They didn't know that yet, at first. Becoming parents never seemed like a big deal to them.

But they weren't made to be parents. And they were terrible at it. 

They still are, but as the years have gone by, it has become less important to me. In all honesty, I could've been an orphan. I cook for myself, most of the time they're not home and if they are, my dad finds away to fight with me. 

I don't want to say that's all changed now that I'm 18, but I know things are going to change soon. I'm graduating this school year. Going of to college, moving out. I'll never have to talk to my parents again. I'll never have to see them again.

Today is my birthday and it feels incredibly weird. I'm a grown up now, but I don't really feel like one. I've never really felt like a child, but I also don't feel like a grown up. 

I've been somebody who has struggles with things all my life. Social anxiety, depression, nightmares. I never liked to talk to people, I never liked to go outside, I never liked to be at home. I spent my time skateboarding, drawing or writing poems. That's the kind of person I am. I'm very quiet, I don't like talking much. I don't like people, as I don't trust most of them. I cry a lot, though I don't cry a lot around other people. 

Am I proud of who I am? No, most of the times I'm not. I've been dealing with everything myself for a very long time, with the help of a therapist after my second suicide attempt - which is probably the thing I'm least proud of. I've tried to end my life multiple times, failing every time. Some say it's because I secretely didn't wanted to die, others say I just sucked at killing myself. 

I'm not sure. All I know is that I regret all the times I've tried and hurt my friends that way. They never deserved it. They tried to make happy, to help me with everything I went through, but I wouldn't let them. You can't make a depressed person happy, that's not how things work.

Am I happy now? No. Am I happier? Yes. Will I ever be happy? I certainly think I will. For now, depression is still playing a big role in my life. It might not disappear completely, but I hope its role will become smaller and smaller until barely noticable. The truth is that my past scarred me both mentally and phsycially and that I'll never be able to completely erase that from my my mind.

But today I won't think about any of that. I won't think about my parents, about the things they've done to me, the times they've forgotten my birthday or the times I've been hit, kicked or yelled at.

I turned 18 today. My life is now officially my life and there's nobody who can take that away from me. A few days ago I told you guys about taking back power over your life from your demons. Today I'm making a step in that direction, by turning 18 and taking back a huge piece of my life from my parents - mostly my dad. 

Today I'm going to celebrate the fact that regardless of everything that has happened to me and all the times I"ve tried to end everything, I'm still here. 18 years later.

Happy birthday to me, I guess.

- Kyran