"What's depression like?" He asked.

I'm sorry.

I guess there's one good thing about feeling the way I do.

Nobody could ever hate me as much as I hate myself and that way, I can never get hurt because people don't like me.

Ofcourse they don't like me, I don't like me either. 

There are many reasons for the fact that I don't like myself. I find myself weak and egoistic most of the times. If I even dare to open my mouth, only shit comes out. Shit that doesn't make sense or hurts others. 

I'm a worthless friend. I don't reply to texts or calls often, because I feel to anxious to talk. Because I'm afraid of what you're going to say, though most of the time it's just a question if I want to go do something. 

I let a lot of people down, especially when they're counting on me. I hate to lean on them, because I know they'll expect that they can lean on me too, but they can't. 

Nobody can lean on me, because as soon as you lean on me, I break. Which is pathetic and a great reason for people not to become my friend.

I don't want friends. I don't make friends. The only people I have in my life. are the people that are refusing to leave no matter what I do and I still think they're stupid to stay in it.

It's stupid to get attached to me, because I'll only push you away. I've tried to leave and end my life enough times for people to believe that I hate them. That they are nothing to me, even when the truth is that I love them. 

I love the people that are refusing to leave my life, but I wish they didn't love me. Because that makes everything so much harder. It makes the sadness harder, because I know I should be thankful and happy to have them in my life. And I am, but not in the way they deserve. 

I'm sorry for being away for a while. I had a few hard days and I wish I could say I'm doing okay now, but I'm not really doing okay.

And I hate that I'm telling you guys that, because you don't deserve me not to be okay. You deserve me to be okay and help you with all your problems, because you're an awesome person, but I can't. 

Because I'm me and I suck most of the time. 

I'm sorry. 

- Kyran