"What's depression like?" He asked.

Don't cry. Never cry.

Sometimes, when the night falls and everything outside is dark and quiet, I sit in my room and talk to them.

I talk to them, not because I like talking to them, but because I want to understand what they are. What they're doing in my head and why they're in my head. 

I want to get to know them, not because I not know what they are, but because I want to know how they control me as well as they have been doing for so long. 

Where do they get the energy to beat me up mentally from the moment I wake up, to when I put my head on the pillow and fall asleep, just to have nightmares hunt me inbetween. 

Do they communicate with my dad? Have they influenced him in yelling at me and calling me the things he has called me for as long as I can remember?

Have I failed at something? Have I done anything wrong? 

In the old times they used to say "I'm paying for my parents sins". Am I paying for someone's sins? For my dad's maybe? Or for my mom, how ridiculous that might seem?

When I talk to them, it's hard to understand what they're saying. They're screaming all at the same time. Telling me I'm not good enough and that's why they're here. Telling me I'm weak and that's why they're here. Telling me I should man up and try and get them out of my head, but knowing I wouldn't be able to.

I'm not strong enough.

They're not the only ones who tell me. My dad does too. "Stop crying, stop whining, stop acting like you have anything to be depressed about."

Don't cry. Don't let him show it hurts. Clench fists, but never actually punch. Get angry, but never actually yell at him.

Try to stay strong. Keep yourself together. Don't fall apart. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry.

Never cry.

Showing weakness is his weakness. Show weakness and something explodes inside of him. It will only cause more pain.

Don't cry.

It's not like they're the ones who gave me this advice. I'm sure they like to see me in pain, why else would they control my emotions in a way that makes me hurt myself? They whisper things in my ear. Every second of every minute. Reasons to be sad. Reasons to be mad at myself. Reasons to hate myself. Reasons to hurt myself. Reasons why he hurts me.

But don't cry.

Keep yourself together until it's over and then fall apart. Fall apart when you're alone, with them. When they whisper in my ear and tell me that it's okay to fall apart. That it's good that I fall apart. That vanishing would be the best option. 

But don't give in. Don't give up. Don't let them win. Fall apart, to then pick up the pieces again and glue yourself back together.

Talking to my demons will never solve anything. But maybe when I get to know them, I'll find out their weaknessess, to then destroy them. To destroy my demons and win the battle that never seems to end.

The battle with my dad is not one I control. I can never punch back. I can never scream. But most of all, I can never cry. 

Never cry.

Just hang in there.

- Kyran