"What's depression like?" He asked.

I'm exhausted.

Lately I've been having a lot of panic attacks at night. Nightly anxiety is different from social anxiety, which I was already known to suffer from. It doesn't come from crowded rooms or feeling like people are looking at you. It gets triggered by something else.

My nightly panic attacks occur when I feel like everything is coming at me at once. I start worrying about every little thing in my life: school, friends, parents, money. Every little thing that is currently going on in my life and could go wrong, at that point goes wrong in my head.

There's no stopping it. It's like I'm going crazy. Like there's no way out from the tons of things I still have to do or worry about or care about or think about.

I used to surpress things like that, not in a good way, but since I made a promise to myself I wouldn't anymore it has been getting worse.

My mind is so crowded that I can almost hear people talking. Or yelling. There doesn't seem to be a calm moment in my life, even though my parents have disappeared out of it and I've been learning how to live my depression more.

My psychiatrist has given me calming meds, meant to be taken at night when I'm having a panic attack and feel like I'm going to do stupid things because there isn't a way out of the yelling and screaming in my head, but I hate to take medication. Especially these ones. They make me tired and sleepy and feel so dependent. Nobody wants to rely on little white things that controls the way you feel and act for about 12 hours.

It's temporary. After the pills lose their strength, the worries start coming back and hit me in the face again. Like I can't keep up with life. I'm scared I'll be left behind by the others, because they can easily take on what I can't.

My body physically hurts from stressing so much and I hate complaining about it, but I'm just trying to figure out a solution that doesn't necessarily involve pills. I don't want to take pills, I just want to be normal. Be a normal person with a normal life and a normal social life and a normal school reputation, but I can't.

Too much has happened to change it now. Maybe later, when I move town I'll learn how to be normal. Or something like that. Maybe when my depression leaves me alone and social anxiety disappears and I can take on a normal work load without having panic attacks at night, I'll be normal.

One thing that has tend to work with the panic is making lists. Lists of what I have to do, have to buy, money I spend, appointments I have, homework I have to make. It helps, because it creates some sort of calmth in the chaos. For a while, until I forget to put something on the list and the freaking out starts again.

If any of you missed me the past month on here, it's because I've been drowning in a lot of my own problems. My own worries. I've barely had time to glance at Wattpad or reply to messages, but I'm doing my best and hope I'm not letting any of you down.

I just don't know how to deal with the things in my head and I'm so sick of trying to get recover from it. Whatever I'm doing, there's always something in the way. I'm not saying I'll give up, because I know that's not an option. Not for me and not for any of you, it's just so god damn hard to keep going when I'm as tired as right now.

Because I'm exhausted.

- Kyran