"What's depression like?" He asked.

Relationships and friendships.

Relationships and friendships are a two way street. The effort has to come from both people that are in it. They both have to put an equal amount of time, dedication and support towards one another. 

For people in my position, this has always been hard. I am very afraid of losing people. Of boring them, making them run away. I am very far from being confident, so when someone comes into my life, I tend to cling on to them. Every rejection scares me, because I'm afraid I've finally blew it. 

This is one of the reasons I've never been good at relationships. At finding someone I like and then act normal around them. Letting myself fall in love without worrying about the consequences. Fact is, I'm just to afraid they will end up hurting me. 

I have a hand full of friends. They have been my friends for years and I'm extremely grateful for them. They have been able to deal with my anxious, paranoid behaviour when it comes to our friendship. Making new friends is nearly impossible for me. I simply don't know how to get close to them and then keep them close to me. The anxiety that new friendships give me, causes me to freak out and eventually scare them away.

When effort comes only from one side, a relationship is doomed to fail. The person will get exhausted, frustrated, sad and eventually break down, which is most of the time a signal for the other person to get the hell out. 

I know there are more people out there who are the way that I am. That are so scared of losing friends, that they go into over drive and eventually have people leave them. 

I do believe that the most important thing in all of this, is learning that you are worthy of more. That you are a nice person, a good friend. That you put all you have into a friendship and that that doesn't have to necessarily be a bad thing. Except when it is out of doubt. Out of a bad self-image. If you don't like yourself, it will be very hard for other people to like you, simply because of the way you act around them. 

I know that I can't change myself over night. I can't decide to be different, wake up the next morning and look in the mirror with a feeling of self-worth. My self-worth has been pretty crushed over the past few years.

But I don't want to be a pessimist and believe that I will never change. That I will never be able to cut off friendships because I am the only one that cares. I do know that one day I will be confident enough not to put up with all the shit people give me and instead kick them out of my life. 

Just like me, you deserve people that love you as much as you love them. That want to spend time with you. That are willing to put up with all your shit, good or bad. That are willing to stick by you when things get rough. That don't mind if you have a day where you hate yourself and hate the world and just want to be alone. That are willing to work through it together with you.

Finding those kind of people isn't easy and changing yourself to be that way is even harder. But it's not impossible. 

It's normal to be doubtful and insecure about relationships and friendships and even the bounds you have with family member. It's because we as humans care. Regardless of the internet hype "I hate everyone". We don't. We want to be liked, we want to be loved. We want to have people to talk to. That care. That can help us with our problems when we're too tired to do it alone. 

All I want you to know, is that in a couple of months or years, you will grow more confident. You will start liking yourself and treating yourself better and that way also demand other people to treat you better. 

If you see any signs in any of your relationships and friendships right now that suggest that you are being used or that you are the only one that is willing to dedicate themselves to it, get out. It hurts, because you don't want to be alone, but being in a toxic friendship isn't going to make you any happier. It will simply make you doubt yourself even more, because you have no clue what's wrong with you that makes the other person behave like this.

You are worthy of more. You are worthy of love and time and dedication from the people around you. Don't let anyone tell you differently. You are strong, you are precious, you should be handles with love and care. Not thrown around by careless people. So don't let them. 

- Kyran