"What's depression like?" He asked.

Numb days

I guess that going numb is a way of protecting yourself from the inside out, even if you have no control over it. Maybe it's a switch, somewhere inside of you, that switches your feelings on and off when everything gets too much. 

Over the past few days, after my 4th break down this month, I haven't been feeling much. I have been questioning myself why and I like it better this way and honestly, I don't know.

I don't know if being numb is a good thing. It's nothing, actually. It's as if I'm nothing. As if Kyran has disappeared, has hidden himself in a corner where the world can't reach him anymore. 

I think being numb is most of all a dangerous thing. I can't feel anything, I barely care about anything and I don't want anything. 

I don't want to fight, I don't want to give up, I don't feel like eating, I don't feel like sleeping. Because what's the point? What's the point of doing any of those things anymore? 

I don't want to bother any of you with what I'm feeling or not feeling right now. I don't want you all to feel as if you have to make me feel better, because you don't. I'm here to make you guys feel better, not the other way around.

But right now I don't think I can help any of you. I can't help any of you when I don't see the point in helping myself. When I don't see the point in everything, when I don't even see the point in writing this right now.

With 28k reads on this book, I feel as if I don't have to right to write something like this. Not after all the comments saying how much this book has done for all of you. It feels selfish, it feels stupid and most of all, it feels useless.

I won't say that everything will be alright, because I don't know if everything or anything will be alright. 

I'm exhausted. The kind of exhausted that you can't even fix with the biggest amount of sleep. I'm emotionally drained. So much, that I've come to a point that's beyond breaking. That's beyond feeling pain, sadness, loneliness.

I'm sorry for everyone who tries to find support in my book and has stumbled upon a chapter that's nothing but crap. I'm truly sorry. 

I shouldn't have to say I'm sorry. Because that's what love is right? To never have to say "I'm sorry"? 

Well I am. I am sorry for everything that I have failed at lately and for everything that I will fail at in the future. For all the people that I haven't saved and will not save, regardless of how hard I try. 

Just remember one thing, that no matter what happens, I still love every single one of you. And I still believe that every single one of you has the right to exist and walk this earth. That every single one of you can fight whatever you're going through, whatever you're feeling and whatever caused you to feel like shit.

You are worthy of being happy. I promise. 

- Kyran