Save Me

Chapter Twenty Eight

Brittany and I hugged for a while, finding comfort in each others arms and warmth. When she finally pulled away I was left feeling alone and distraught, being wrapped in her embrace felt familiar and safe. Now I was left to protect myself. 

"How have you been?" Brittany pulled me down to sit next to her on the couch in Rachel's office. 

"I-uh-......" How was I doing? I still felt nothing everyday, and when I did feel it was only pain. Nothing had gotten better since I got here, just people trying to force me to talk about my feelings and why I tried to kill myself. I looked to Rachel for help on how I should answer this question. 

"Let's start by talking about you Brittany? Please, tell us how life has changed for you since the incident." Rachel took the lead for me, pointing the conversation in the right direction. 

"I've spent a lot of time trying to think about how I could help you Em.  I want you to know that I'm here for  you, through every step of this journey, I understand it's going to be hard and you have a lot to overcome. But I believe you will be able to be whole again." Brittany paused and grabbed my hands in hers. "I want you to know that I'm not mad.....I love you and I forgive you for what happened." 

I pulled my hands away from Brittany's and back into my lap, where i fixated my view. "You shouldn't", I whispered. 

"What was that Emma?" Rachel asked. 

"I said you shouldn't, you should be mad and angry with me and you shouldn't forgive me. I don't deserve your love... I put you through hell." I slid down the couch as far away from Brittany as I could, hoping she wouldn't see the tears running down my face if I was farther away. 

"Em....." Brittany stopped and looked at Rachel. "Can I say anything? Or could something I say make things worse for her?"

"We're in a controlled environment where Emma is being watched closing and supported, so this is the best time to speak freely." Rachel assured Brittany and motioned for her to continue speaking.

"Em, it was awful. Seeing my baby sister passed out on the floor, not breathing...." I could see the tears welling up in Brittany's eyes as she continued to talk. "And I wish things wouldn't have gotten that far. But don't think that I'm not ever going to not love you because of this. You are always going to be my sister, my family. I know I'm not the best at showing my emotions, and that we aren't very close, but my love for you is infinite, and I'm glad that I get to help you through this. No one in the family is mad, or has stopped loving you Em, no one."

"But...."  I bit my lip to fight back the waterfall of tears I could feel coming on.

"Keep going Emma, it is important to get what you need to say off of your chest." 

"But Mom would be so disappointed in me right now." Tears poured down my face, clouding my vision. The next thing I knew a hand was on my knee and someone was pushing the hair away from my face.

"Mom could never be disappointed in you Emma, you have accomplished so many amazing things in your life. She would understand that you were struggling and just wanted to make the pain go away. She could never be disappointed in you." Brittany held me close to her and let me cry into her shoulder, holding me as my body shook with each ear shattering cry I let out. Rubbing my back and telling me it would be okay until I started to calm down. 

I could hear a quiet ringing of a telephone as I continued to cry in Brittany's arms. 

"I'm sorry Emma and Brittany. There's been an emergency and I have to go. Brittany you are welcome to stick around for a couple of hour with Emma, however visitation hours do end in about two hours, so after that you'll have to go. Emma I'm going to call Jake and he'll be back here in a couple of minutes to take you to ladies somewhere else. I am truly so sorry to end our meeting on this note.... but I really am needed elsewhere." Rachel walked to the door to call for a nurse to go get Jake.