Save Me

Chapter Seven

I woke up to the sound of rain hitting my window. My eyes slowly adjusted to the scene before me, I was in my room, sleeping in the clothes that I had been in yesterday. I sat up and put a hand through my hair trying to tame the mess. The heavy dampness of my hair shocked me, I didn't recall having a shower last night, nor did I recall how I got into bed. I closed my eyes and thought back to yesterday night.

I ran to the walkway that lead from my house to the private part of the beach. I ran past the sand domes and to the place where you have to type in the access code to get into the beach. I typed the pin in as fast as I could; and as soon as I heard the click allowing me to get through  the gates I swung them open and continued my sprinted to the beach.

The school had found out, about my horrible past and secrets I had tried to keep. And then when I got home Justin got me to tell him about my puking. Yesterday was not the day I was planning for.

I remember going to the beach and crying until there was nothing left in me. That was when the rain came, the rain that soaked me to the bone and left my hair damp this morning. I remember Justin coming to sit down next to me through the rain. I remember lying down and falling asleep, so I assume Justin must have carried me inside.

I swung my legs over the edge of the bed and tried to steady myself from the lightheaded way I felt. It was an all to familiar feeling for me. I would starve myself, denying myself the right to have dinner, and as a result this is what I always felt when I woke in the morning.

After steadying myself I pushed up off my bed and headed to my attached washroom. I opened the door and slipped in, washing the left over makeup from my face and softly running a brush through my hair. I turned the nob on the shower all the way up, hoping to burn off the memories of yesterday. I quickly unchanged and grabbed my towels off the rack, turning my back to the mirror. I stuck my hand into the water, to feel its scolding heat against my hand,  instinctively withdrawing my hand. I weaved my other hand through the scolding water to the tap and turned the heat down.

I patiently waited for the water to adjust and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. One of the things my therapist had suggested was not looking in a mirror. Of course I did have to at points, like when I put my makeup on, or if I got something in my eye. But he suggested  not looking at myself when I could see my stomach or thighs, the two things that I was most self conscious about. I had restrained from looking in the mirror for so long. But today I decided to give in, I had gone so long without looking and I just needed to see. To reassure myself that all the things those girls had said about me being over weight weren't true. To show myself that I was fine.

I slowly stole my attention from where it had been on the floor and brought it up to the mirror where I caught my body in sight.

Fat, fat was what I saw. My stomach wasn't flat like it used to be, when I was skinny it had always been flat. And now it looked so different. Instead of being able to see my ribs they were covered with fat and my stomach bulged farther than it should. I looked down to my thighs and gasped at what my thigh gap was. It had almost been four fingers wide, but was down to two at the most now. Which was not acceptable. It's not even that my legs had muscle on them it was fat. Fat that I couldn't stand to see, the look of it had me sick to my stomach.

How had I let myself go so much? I had worked so hard to keep a nice body, a healthy one, but nice. This was not healthy, this was fat! Practically obese, and I would not allow myself to look that way. This was not perfect.

I scanned the room looking for the item that had caused me so many painful nights. Where did I put it? I knew I had hid it away, but where? I crouched down and began opening all the drawers desperate to find it. I pulled out item after item until at last I had found it.

I fell down on my bum and slowly ran my hand across it, my old friend, my old enemy. I had learned to love and hate this machine. There were times that I would jump with joy at what I saw and others where I'd scream out of rage at what was before me.

I had promised myself I wouldn't go near one of these unless I desperately needed to; and when I went to the doctors I never let them tell me my weight. But now was different,  now I was at risk of becoming fat again. I had already broken one promise to myself in the past twenty four hours, what's one more?

I dropped the scale on the floor and stood up; taking a breath and giving myself one more chance to back out. But I was no chicken, and I would not allow myself to be afraid of the numbers on that scale.

I slowly eased my right foot onto the scale being careful not to put to much pressure on it so that the numbers wouldn't shoot up. I placed my other foot on and stared at the mirror, giving the numbers a few seconds to adjust before I looked down.

"Three, two, one." I counted to myself and looked down at the numbers below me.

My hand flew to my mouth in shock of what I saw before me. Three digits, three digits where on the scale below me.

"One Hundred and ten pounds." I gasped, "That is not.... it's not okay." I quickly leaned down and put the scale back away before any tears could fall. How could I have let myself get to such a disgusting number?

I stood up straight and took a big breath of air, today would be the day I changed, the person I saw before me I didn't like. No one liked her, so I wasn't going to be her.

"I promise to myself that in two weeks I will be down twenty pounds, no matter what it takes." I nodded to myself in the mirror and stuck my hand into the water pouring from the shower head one last time before getting in.