Save Me

Chapter Nineteen

"Send me away with the words of a love song, uh oh."

"Em- em wake up. Your phones going off."

I flipped over onto my other side, running my hands along the ground until I could find the source of the music.

"Hello." I grouchily picked up.

"Emma what the hell happened last night?" Nathan's voice rang through my phone.

"Could you stop yelling please, my head is pounding."

"I'm not yelling what are you talking about? Why is your head- oh my god, did you get drunk?" Shit was all I could think. What had happened last night slowly found its way back into my head.

"Why do you care. You were drunk last night with some girls tongue down your throat." I shot back at him.

"Emma listen to me, it wasn't what you think."

"Alright there Nate, that's what every guys says. It didn't mean anything mean while you're hooking up with her every weekend."

"I wouldn't do that and you know it Emma." Nathan quickly defended himself.

"Whatever Nate, I've got to go."

"Wait- at least tell me where you are so I can come get you. Or so Justin can."

"Yea... not happening." I hung up the phone before he had the chance to answer and looked over to Scar, who was passed out again on the floor.

"Scar, Scarlet." I said shaking my friend, "Get up it's like two in the afternoon. What the hell happened last night?" Scarlet's head popped up at my last question.

"You don't remember what happened last night?" I shook my head no. "Not a single thing? Oh my god, lets just say I'm getting you drunk more often. You are so much fun! You let loose and it was a side I've never seen from you before. We started off at the park, then my brother drove us to some party down town and you just went crazy. You were practically bouncing off walls, but anytime a guy tried to hit on you they got told off. You kept saying Nathan this Nathan that. I tried to tell you Nathan had hooked up with another girl, and that's why we were here in the first place. But you wouldn't listen, you just kept going on about how you should call Nate. By the end of the night you were kind of darkening the mood so we can back here and you passed out immediately."

I sat shocked for a minute, I had really done all of that? I had never drank before, then last night I go out and get hammered? "Sounds like one hell of a night. I should probably go talk to Nate though, about this whole mess. Do you mind if I shower before I go though?"

"Of course, I'm going to go grab some cereal, do you want anything?" Scarlet offered.

"No, I'm good thanks." As Scar walked out of the room I headed to her bathroom, she lived in a regular house. One where a family shares a bathroom, and doesn't have their own in their bedroom. Sometimes I wished I lived in a house like this. Scarlet had two younger twin sisters to go along with her older brother, her house was always lively and packed. It really gave you that home feeling, something my house didn't feel like sometimes. When it was just me and my brothers at home, when Mom and Dad were gone on some business trip, that's when I missed the feeling of being a family.

I walked into Scar's bathroom and saw a giant portrait of a naked women on the wall. Scarlet's Mom was a photographer, and often hung her art up around their house. She was amazing at it, and always captured a certain emotion that you couldn't help be see written all over the picture. I looked at the naked lady and saw the emotion I always saw on my own face, pain. The lady stood, shoulders crouched, eyes turned away looking at the ground. Her arms were crossed over her stomach and her legs were pinched together, as though if she could make herself small enough she might just disappear. I understood her feelings, the pain from looking at yourself and having someone, look, judge and photograph you was just to much. I pitied the women in the photo, having to deal with so much pain. But I suppose I was the women, I felt the same pain as her but I had a way to change it.

I stripped down and looked at myself in Scar's full length mirror, and I saw myself transform into the women in the photo. I hunched my shoulders, and pinched my legs but I couldn't look away. I could only look at what was before me. The fat rolling where my legs pinched together, and the fat on the side of  my stomach that appeared when I was hunched over. Looking at myself I wanted nothing more then to become a small little ball and disappear, gone in the air like I had never been. But we can't just disappear, I can't float away in the air like I am nothing. So I do the only other thing I know, the way I cope; I pull my hair back and lean over the toilet. Telling myself the same thing I do every time, the same lie I hear ringing through my ears. "Just one more time.This is how you get to look the way you want. This is how you become perfect." And so I listen to the little voice, because every time I hear those words they become more and more convincing. This will be the last time, I'll start working out and eating better, but in the mean time I'll look the way I want; I'll be one step closer to perfect. 

I plunge my fingers deep into my throat and get the sweet relief of hitting my reflex first try. I'm getting one step closer to becoming perfect and one step farther away from anyone saving me.