Forever Yours

Pained Question Pt2

John Murphy

I walked towards Octavia and Lincoln's room, wondering if they'd be back in their room by now.

I knocked and for a few moments everything was quiet.  "Come in." I heard Octavia.

I opened the door, nervous as always to be in the presence of the Skaikru-gone-Trikru-warrior.

"Hey Octavia." I said.

"Hey Murphy." She replied.

To my added stress she was polishing her sword and Lincoln was no where to be seen.

"If you're worried I'm going to run you through don't.  I have no grudge against you.  As for Lincoln, he heard Nyko is visiting and went to see him." She said, looking up at me with an amused glint in her eyes.

I let out a nervous chuckle that made her grin, definitely amused now, but it faded quickly.  "You usually never leave you girlfriend's side.  Why are you here?" She asked.  Unlike I expected, it was a challenge, instead it was a mere question.

I sighed and she gestured for me to sit, so I did, looking across at her.  "I know this is probably not a good question to ask but.  What is it like to lose the person you care the most about?"

She nodded, smiling slightly, "I understand where you're coming from.  I can say it's a feeling of helplessness.  I remember when Lincoln was taken by the Mountain and all I knew was that he was gone and the Maunon (Mountain Men (Emori taught me)) had him.  I always kept hoping that he was alright and that he was alive but...  There was always that question in my mind about what if he was actually gone and never coming back.  And whenever I addressed it I always came to the same answer.  I was gone too, that whoever I was was dead too.  It was like without him there was no me.  We were one in the same.  We breathed, and loved, and lived together.  But that also meant we died together." She paused, letting out a small breath.

"Then when we found him I thought everything would be okay.  That we would get one of those fairy-tail happy ever afters.  And then, when they were trying to save him, his heart stopped." A shiver ran down her back, "And I thought I would have to live everyday until I died for nothing and no one.  It was like walking up a steep incline and thousands and thousands of soldiers were coming just for me.  And even if I could have killed one of them there would have been hundreds more ready to take their place.  And it felt like in that moment I died too, because I didn't have him.  Like I said before, since the moment I met him it seemed like we lived and breathed together.  And it eventually became living, breathing, and loving together - as one.  And that meant that, as one, we died.  We might have been two people but our souls and hearts were one.  There couldn't be one without the other." She looked up at me, giving me a small smile, "I won't pretend it's not the worst feeling in the world."

I nodded, "Thank you Octavia.  I know that's hard for you."

She shrugged, "I got him back.  There's people who never do."

I nodded and stood, leaving silently.  One more person I wanted to ask but I had no clue where she was.

Huffing, I headed for the tower's entrance/exit to see if I could catch Raven there.

I smiled when I heard the unmistakable voice of Raven.  "Are you saying you can out bomb me?  No one - and I mean no one - and out boom the Boom Master." She said and I barely contained my laugh.

"Raven, I already know that.  I'm just saying I can make a pretty good bomb."

"Sinclair, I made one out of the very few resources we had when I got dropped out of the sky."

Sinclair chuckled and then the two rounded the corner into view.

They both looked up at me from each other, smiling in greeting, "Hey Murphy." Sinclair said.

"I hate to break up....  Whatever you were doing, but could I borrow Raven?"

Sinclair chuckled, "Sure."

Raven watched him as he left then turned to me, "Alright.  What do you need?" She asked.

I let out a breath, "What is it like to lose the person you care the most about?"

She sighed, "It's hard.  The first thing you feel is just pain because of who you lost.  And then, when it's over, you feel like you're standing at the top of a cliff in the middle of a thunderstorm.  If you take one step forward, you know you can end it - end the pain, the sadness.  You know with just one step, over the edge of the cliff, that it'll all be over pretty much instantly.  And then you look over your shoulder and see the pathway down, slick with mud and rain.  And you know you can go down the steep hill that way but it's so easy to slip, to start falling anyways, and you know if you slip on the pathway your end won't be instant, it will be slow and painful as you fall and bounce and fall some more.  But then you try to think about how, if you do make it down, you can get out of the storm.  But then you realize that you could suffer more for trying.  So then you have a decision to make, take the dangerous path down and maybe survive to get out of the storm or step off the edge and end it now." She said.

I nodded, "And you chose the path?"

She chuckled, "No matter what situation I was in, there always felt like there was something worth living and fighting for.  Like a little voice, if you will, urging me to keep going.  I can't say that I didn't think about stepping off the cliff, I did many times, and I can't say that on my way down I didn't stop and thinking about jumping off the path.  But something always made me keep going." She said.

I nodded, "Thank you Raven."

She shrugged, "No problem.  Now, I'm going back to my room to cuddle with my fiance." She said.

I blinked in surprise and she chuckled, "Sorry.  I forgot not everyone's heard.  Luna and I are engaged." She held up the chain of a necklace, a crescent moon hanging off of it.

I smiled, "You two are made for each other."

"So are you and Emori." She said, heading off.

Sighing, I turned and headed for my own room.

The walk there was quiet as I thought over what I had been told.  It made the thought of losing her even more terrifying but at the same time...  It somehow eased my mind to have the knowledge.  I vowed to myself that I would do everything I could to protect her.

I opened the door, feeling a lost better than I had just an hour or so ago.  I had taken maybe two steps in when I was practically tackled.

I grunted as I felt Emori slam into me, my one foot going back to keep me from falling over.

I looped my arms around her, holding her in return.  She buried her face in the crook of my neck, clinging to me like I was her lifeline.

"Hey, it's okay.  What's wrong?" I asked, rubbing her back.

She pulled away, eyes wide, "What's wrong?  You told me you were coming back here and weren't here." She shook her head, "I thought I'd lost you again."

My own eyes widened and I wrapped my arms around her again, pulling her close, "I'm not going anywhere.  Not now, not ever.  I'm alright, I was just out in the tower."

She nods, "I'm sorry.  I-"

I cut her off, "Don't apologize Emori.  It's okay, I understand.  But whatever happens to me, I'll always come back to you."

She smiled.  I had half expected her to make a comment about how in this life nothing was certain, that I could die and never come back, but at least for the moment she seemed to let herself truly believe I would always come back.  And as far as I was concerned, I would.