Forever Yours

Hard Good Byes and Harder Returns

Clarke

I grunted as something - more like someone - tried to rouse me from sleep.

"Come on ai hodnes (my love)." Lexa murmured in my ear, planting another soft kiss on my nose.

I smiled at the name and her, "I don't want to." I grunted stubbornly, burying my face in the first place I found, refusing to open my eyes.

"You need to get ready." She murmured.

"I don't want to." I repeated, though now my heart weighed heavier than iron at the thought of leaving her.

"You have to.  For our people." She said softly, her voice seeming brittle and as if it was about to break.

I groaned as I pulled my face away from where I had had it pressed against her, my eyes opening and causing me to blink repeatedly as they adjusted to the sudden light.  "Fine." I grumbled, though before she could get up I pushed my lips to hers.  If I was going to leave her then I wanted - needed - to feel her touch one last time.

She kissed back, clearly feeling the same needs as I did.  We forced ourselves to stop before it got too far but I could see the longing in her eyes that was the same as mine, "We will meet again.  And when we do, we're going to finish this." I promised.

She smiled, "Alright." She murmured.

We wiggled out of bed and dressed quickly, "I'll meet you at breakfast." I said, pretending I was looking for something despite having packed the previous night.

She nodded and left the room, "I'll see you there." She said.

As soon as I was sure she was gone I grabbed a piece of paper.  I couldn't do this.  I couldn't look her in the eye and say good bye, I couldn't even say that I'd see her later.  Quickly I wrote my good bye note, a few tears slipping down my face in the process, and left it on the end table.  I grabbed my bag and swung it over my shoulder before leaving the room.  I avoided going near the dining hall and slipped down the stairs until I reached the ground floor.

I went to the stable, saddling a horse, and mounted it.  I kicked in into gear, galloping away.  As tears began to fall freely from my eyes, my cape swung over me and the hood up, I looked back at the Heda's tower, "May we meet again, Lexa.  I love you." I murmured, knowing she was far out of hearing range.  My voice broke as I spoke the last three words that I had never told her to her face and now might never get to.  Part of what held me back from telling her face to face was that I didn't want to pressure her into feeling the same, I wanted her to make that decision on her own - without feeling pressured by me.

I kept watching the tower until it finally vanished from sight.

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The horse trotted towards the gate.  On the way here I'd composed a plan using what I knew of what I might be able to get.  It would be risky but if everything worked out well then it would pay off.

My tears had long since subsided and I braced myself for what I was going to do.  I swung off my horse as the gate opened.  Most people looked half-starved and the children no longer ran around laughing.

People looked at me, some with hope and others with dead stares.  Only a few seemed upset to see me and I could only guess those were Pike's followers.

My mother and Kane quickly came to greet me, "Raven said you'd be coming." My mother said.

"How are things going?  Do we have a plan?" I asked, skipping greetings and just giving both of them a nod.

"Most of them involve an assassination, the only problem is he's under heavy guard almost constantly." Kane said.

"Alright, then I've got a better plan.  First though, if Pike dies who takes control?"

"I would." Kane said, "I was voted second in the election."

"I could slap whoever decided to have an election in the first place." I muttered, then spoke again, "Is Monty on our side?"

"Yes, why?" My mother said.

"Get him to the meeting room, Kane can you take me there?" I asked.

He nodded, "Follow me." He said.

I followed him through the winding hallways of the Ark that I'd once called home.  If I had thought writing a note to say good bye to Lexa was hard, this was somehow harder.  Maybe because I knew one wrong move and I wouldn't see Lexa again.