It's weird being out on my own for the first time but there's a familiarity in this. I guess I've been on my own since my mom's death. My dad was always caught up in work so I barely spent time with him. Even to this day, he feels more like stranger than my father. Not having a sense of family I feel really hurt me. I never felt like I fit in with people so in order to make friends I flash a lot of the money my dad threw at me to occupy me instead of his presence. That really drew the wrong attention from the wrong people. I spent most of my high school career in a haze or in a very vivid world of color. During it i didn't mind cause it really helped me forget the reality that surrounded me. I remember having so many visions of my mother. I was so happy during them. It was nice seeing the person that I loved the most but something always felt disturbing. She never looked happy. She looked worried. I could never understand why. Whenever I remember my mom, I remember her bright loving smile, her long warm around wrapped around me, and her how her heartbeat seemed to sing to me. To this day I have only experience that once and it was not from any drug or weed I smoked. It was from Mara, my girlfriend. From the moment I first held her in my arms, I could feel my mother hug me again. I was a moment that brought me to tears. It also got me thinking. Maybe my mother looking worried was my sub conscious way of trying to get me to face my problems. The one thing I never want to do is let down my mother and deep down I felt like a failure. Instead of dealing with not having a mother or a father that gave two shits about me, I ran. I escaped into a world in which I didn't have to face my demons. I was just so easy to create my own world where everything was perfect and I was in control. But to be honest if it wasn't for drugs I don't know where I would be mentally. No saying they helped keep me sane but they did help ease a lot of the pain. I never felt that bad when I was high. I knew that the feelings would always be there waiting and the high was temporary but I wasn't as afraid. I was accepting of the pain. I acknowledge its existence but never did anything to get rid of it. I mean how do you fill the hole of loneliness inside your heart. Is it even possible? Though I have Mara now, I feel like she's just this new drug for me to latch on to like me mother or other drugs before her. I can't settle for that. I want to be with her for the rest of my life. I don't know why. It's just knowing that there's someone in this world that you can love and will love you back is beautiful to me. I want to be able to experience this feeling for the rest of my life. I don't want to escape to my world anymore. I want to start a new one with her. I want Love. I'm in LOVE.
YOU ARE READING
By the time you read this, I may not be living.
Všeobecná beletriaA story of six people that undergo a change of heart, mind, and soul as they interact with each other at a thier college. Each one has their own journey and tell them through letters to each other or anyone.
