By the time you read this, I may not be living.

Letter from Lotus to Taka

To Taka,

I never really like the holidays. I have no brothers or sisters to share the joy of opening gift on the morning Christmas and my parents have been divorced since I was younger.  I don't remember how I felt at that age but I'm sure I didn't understand. Even to this day I don't know why they split since they all each other ever talk about. I spent most of my life bouncing between each of their houses and the holidays were always the worst. This was the first year that I had a decision on who to stay with and I choose my father for no other reason then he was closer to my college. My father not a bad person or anything, neither is my mom, its just I have no deep connection to them as they were always busy. The only person that I feel close to was the son of one of my dad's friends. We kinda grew up together and dated. I fell for him pretty hard but regretted it in the end. I now realize that he was an horrible and abusive boyfriend. He used my loneliness to his advance and warp me to his liking. I was like a pet to him, a toy for his amusement. It was til I was free of him that I realized how dependent on him I was. I remember thinking how would he react to me changing my hair or the way I dressed. His approval of me and who I was became my main concern and pleasing him my main focus in life. I couldn't imagine my life without him and believed he was the love of my life and I was he's. What a big lie that was. But being back with my father. Being in the same bed that we spent countless hours together make me yearn for him. Regardless of all the shit he did to me, my time with him was the only time I didn't feel alone. That's what I missed the most. My problems didn't exist til I was forced to live with him and be reminded that I had no one else. Why does my life have to be so fucked up? Why do I have to be alone?

-Hikari