Long Live Us - Alex Gaskarth Fanfic

Chapter 9

I cry again. I cry a lot. And Alex still doesn't mind me not telling him. I wanted to tell him. I wanted someone else to know. Someone that can't judge because he doesn't know anyone else who was involved. And I still want to tell him but I'm such a mess right now, I can't even talk. He just drove away from the hospital and I started crying again. He stopped the car on the side and sat on the backseat with me, just holding me closely again. He obviously understands that I'm not messing with him, I just can't talk. As I've calmed down, he sees his chance in a talk. "Is this still about me asking you about cutting?", he wants to know. Oh, no. Does he think it's his fault? "Kind of ... but you don't have anything to do with it. It just brought back some memories." "What memories?" I sob and breathe in deepy. "Horrible memories." I look up to him. Even though I pushed him away when I thought about the age difference the other day, he still seems to like me. He's so understanding, his eyes look directly down into mine. "Do you want to tell me...? I feel so helpless because I don't know what's up." He feels helpless? I'm the one crying in his arms for the second time. Why does he feel helpless? "But ... don't judge me." He blinks a few times and then takes my hand. "I wouldn't dare." I breathe in deeply again.  As I start to recall, memories come back. I can't deal with it but I don't want to cry again. "Four years ago ... I was dating this guy. He was a lot older than me and we went out for quite some time. After a while I kind of realised that he wanted to sleep with me but I wasn't ready, fuck, I really wasn't. And I pushed him away and I told him so many times. But we kept going out because he always told me he'd understand. And everyone was like jealous because I had such a cool boyfriend, I mean he was 20 and I was 14. I felt cool with everyone being jealous. I was so stupid and so blind. One day, he asked me to come over, I've never been over to his place before..." Tears run down my cheek again and Alex holds me closer again, not saying a word. He probably already knows where the story is heading. "And he was like ... living in this really weird part of town ... all dark and dirty and I was just ... not caring at all back then because I thought I was so ... so cool. It was pathetic and it was really lame. I was such a naive bitch..." "Stop bringing yourself down. Nobody's perfect and you're definitely not a bitch just because you got into the trap of some guy...", he says, trying to comfort me. But I can't stop crying right now. "What happened then?", he asks to keep me talking. "And when I like got up to his appartment ... he changed. He showed me his different side and after all the things he said then ... I already knew where that was leading. And I wanted to run away but he stopped me and just pushed me to the wall ... ripping my clothes off and ... I was so helpless ... and I regreted everything! Everything, every single second I spent with him and I asked myself why I was so dumb! And I was so scared, it was horrible. And just thinking about it makes me cry even more and more..." I sob over and over again, his shirt is full of my tears again. "Your ... boyfriend raped you?", he asks. He's shocked and it's obvious that he can't believe it. I only sob and nod, hoping he sees it because I can't say anything to that. "Is that why you were at the hospital? Were you injured?" "No! You know, that was years ago and normally I'm over it. But..." I can't tell him about Joel, I just can't. It's my fault, he'll hate me. It's my fucking fault. "But what?" "But when someone asks me about it, I just get really emotional again. Even though you only asked me about the cuts." "I can't be the first one you told." "Three of my friends know. That's it." "What about your parents?" "God, no!" "You have to tell them." "No, it's so crazy. It's akward and it would only cause trouble. I can deal with this. And now that you know ... can we please talk about something else? I want to be able to do things without crying." "Alright. I'm happy you told me though." Good, he didn't ask about the hospital again, I would not have found an excuse. "I feel like I can trust you...", I say and wipe my tears away. "You can, you definitely can, I won't leave you hanging." "Thank you", I say genuinely and hold his hand closer. "Just promise me something", he says and locks my eyes. I can't help but lose myself in that deep brown of his eyes. "What?", I whisper. "Don't cut yourself again", he says. My heart melts. Even though I wasn't gonna cut myself ever again, it still means a lot that he says that. "I promise", I say.