Hypocrisy (Austlan Cashby)

Chapter 31

Over my spare time, I've been thinking about the person who I want to be. Not what others want, just my own self time.

I want to be out going; but not embarrassing.

I want to be optimistic; but not blind.

And with the self realisation I've been having, I have noticed I'm so far from that. Although, I don't see myself acting upon it. Like, I still clamp up in social situations and the panic attacks from them come normally. To be honest, at this point I don't know how I can fix that. Me being outgoing is awkward not only for me, but for everyone around me. It's so forced that it makes other people cringe.

As for the optimism, my pessimistic thoughts still drag on from earlier. These aren't continuous, though. Only when I'm alone. Now I have Phil and the occasional Austin to keep me from my sad thoughts. But, the nights still drag on and that's when my breakdowns come in, which since Austin has been removed from my life as my boyfriend, have been happening a lot. Sometimes I wish I was like the people who had it under control, others I'm glad I think the way I do because I mature faster from living in my mind.

One thing, is that I don't see my future as it is now; Austinless. I need him to be me. God, I'm so incomplete.

But, I have a plan that includes smoothly getting him back, but lord knows I'm the worst at being smooth about anything, especially dating. So, I will have Phil help me. We've already talked about it and he's on board.

Oh, and he doesn't know about Shay, and is it sad that I don't plan telling him? He never knew we were together in the first place. He wasn't like Austin, I didn't want to share him to the world, I wasn't proud. I'm still somewhat surprised Austin knew.

That's not what this is about. It's about getting Austin back.

My plan is a date by the lake, considering he loves water. We're going to go swimming and I'm going to prepare an awesome speech to tell him. I hate to say "getting Austin back" because it makes me feel like I lost him. It also strangely reminds me of a teenage girl and her boyfriend. That's not the case. But, whatever the term is, I just want to be complete again.

-

"Faggot it up as much as you can," Phil joked.

"It's a homosexual date, how can I make it gayer? Sparkles? Mean girls?" I joked, even though I secretly enjoyed the hell out of mean girls. Oh, the irony.

"All I'm saying is, make him feel like the pretty princess he is."

"Oh, I will." I smiled, this should go as planned, but if not than I'll remain forever incomplete, haha ouch.

-

At 7:00 I made my way to the deck. Wanting to be the first one there so I could check the setup, I told Austin to meet me there at 7:30. He was almost reluctant to agree, which scared the living shit out of me. It was obvious what this was for, but I was hoping to surprise him but how much time and effort Phil and I had put into this. Although, Phil told me to leave him out of this and allowed me to take ALL of the credit.

The set up was perfect. There was Christmas lights strewn around the peer, where a lot of people from this town had chosen to get married. Our table was set at the bigger end of the dock with Austin's favourite foods, which would include anything that's lathered in barbecue sauce. On the edge of the table sat an old radio that only played CDs. I knew all of Austin's favourite bands and didn't hesitate to insert All Hope Is Gone, Austin's favourite Slipknot album.

Pulling out my phone, I checked the time. 7:28. My breathing quickened, but I calmed it down, taking a drink of my Coke.

At about 7:35, Austin showed up wearing skinny jeans and one of his faded band shirts. God, I missed his casual look.

"This is beautiful, Alan," he said, turning around to admire the setup. "Did you do this?"

"With a little help from Phil." I couldn't help it, I had to give him some credit.

"It's amaz- OHMYGOD IS THIS BARBAQUE AND SLIPKNOT?!?" He yelled running over to the table and picking up the cd.

"I know you almost to well, Carlile." He nodded his head, looking at the lake.

"I didn't bring anything to swim in," he said, gesturing towards the large body of water.

"That's okay. You can go in your jeans if you'd like."

"Would it be okay to just go in my boxers?" He asked, nervously. I laughed and nodded. I couldn't at the time, my thighs where littered with scars that I was still self conscious about, even around Austin.

Austin took off his shirt, throwing it in a pile near the table. I did the same, but slower and more reserved like.

"Alan, it's okay. It's just me. God, I've seen your dick before, this isn't that," he said, laughing. I laughed too, but it was more forced. I didn't slide my jeans off when Austin slide his off, but he didn't say anything about it.

My eyes scammed over his tattoos, I remember when I first noticed them. It was in the summer time when he was 16. Man, was I shocked. But, I couldn't help to see what it stood for. He loves the ocean, his mom, and many other things that where permanently on his body.

All of the sudden, I was pushed in the water. Having an abnormal reflex, I took whoever pushed me in with me. Of course it was Austin and we both came up laughing our asses off.

"You think this is a game, Carlile?" I said, lightly shoving him.

"Oh, it's a game, Ashby," he said, getting close to my face. At this point, the tension could be cut with a knife. Should I kiss him, or let him make the move? Kissing was something I was still a little scared of, thanks to Shay. But, with Austin it should be different, he was there before Shay. His lips were all to familiar.

"I've missed you," he said, his breath plastering my face. He had a special type of mint he always chew before any special occasion, I remember tasting it in make out sessions.

I was losing time, now is when I should say my over prepared speech.

"I have too. God, I'm so incomplete without you. Long nights when I was alone, id think of all of our good moments. Or when you first kissed me. Although, my favourite memory was when you pulled me out of the bathtub. That was sexy. All in all, I've missed you Austin. Will you be my boyfriend, forever?" He looked at me, his eyes glassing over.

"I'll never cheat on you again. Oh god, I'm all yo-" he cut me off by slamming his lips on mine, pushing me under water.

Being underwater makes me feel weightless, he makes me feel weightless.

Wrapping my legs around his tattooed torso, I tangled my fingers in his hair that seemed to move with the ripples of the lake. Within about 12 seconds we came up so we could breath, pressing our foreheads together.

I take it back, this was my favourite memory.

__________

AUTHORS NOTE

So, I never want to be the annoying person practically begging for reads, and this is not what it's about. Although, they have been slowing down recently I've been learning not to care. But, I want to do a milestone thing. For example, at 40k I'd like to make a video and put the link on here where you can all watch it. And at 50k I'll do something that you all suggest. This message will be in my next update for the people who don't follow me and are interested. But, thanks for all the reads. I love to all and don't forget to smile :)