Hypocrisy (Austlan Cashby)

Chapter 16

It was literally a split decision to throw up the pills. I was almost out of consciousness before I thought about life. Or maybe it was how it kind of flashed before my eyes. Whatever it was, I'm alive now. Not fully alive, though. I'm still dizzy and fragile. I can't even get out of the bathtub yet, not trusting my balance or strength at the moment.

It was until I heard the door open to the room that I was thankful I had hoped into the water with clothes on. Hearing his voice made me shake more than I already was. Shiver with remembrance and anxiety. Austin's voice called for me, shouting my name. I wish I trusted my voice, because I would have assured him that I'm alive, barely.

His hand found the bathroom door, but found it locked. Knowing it was only a matter of seconds before he could have the door busted down, strength is something Austin was handy in, I know from experience.

I was right, he soon had the door opened. Sympathy crossed his face as I realised I must've looked terrible. I was in a bathtub filled with vomit and blood.

"What happened, Alan?" He kneeled down by the bathtubs edge, pushing my damp strands of hair away from my face.

Wanting to respond, I still didn't trust my voice. Anxiety was probably still laced through it, as well as all of the other emotions sadness brings. We all know it's more than one.

So, I shook my head. Hoping that after the times he had been with me, he would at least know my body language enough.

He did, tracing circles in my abnormally pale cheeks.

"I hate that I can't trust you alone Alan. Relationships are supposed to be based off of pure trust and I can't believe that this has made its way into things I can't trust you about. The list used to be empty. Looks like I have to jot this down," he looked away, pulling his hand off of my face and placing it at his side. "I want to be able to think about things, to just go away when I feel like I'm about to snap, without coming home to you being a mess. I need alone time and the least you could do is respect that."

"Do you hate me?" I never found trust in my voice, but the question had to be out out there. If it wasn't now, then it was never.

"Fuck! Alan, no. No, I don't hate you. Never have, never will. I just want to have trust in you. I'd rather come home to see you banging another guy then dead. Does that mean anything to you? Can you hear the care in my voice? Do I need to say it again?" He was talking fast. Something he does when he either is scared or wants to get something across. I couldn't tell which one it was.

"Austin, I'm not okay."

"No shit, Sherlock!" He yelled, his arms flying in the air. Making me nervous, so nervous that I actually flinched.

His face fell. His eyes dropping down to my scared face. Hating the fact that he was the person that made me scared.

"Is that what this is? Are you scared of me? Oh shit, you're scared. You don't trust me, we don't trust each other. Oh my god, that's what this is," he was still talking at a quick pase, but this time, he was crying. He blinked once and everything he had been holding back, the little dam's in his deep brown eyes, broke.

He flung himself to the wall and slid down. I had made him cry. But, I was upset at the lack of guilt I was showing. For, there was no guilt to be shown. Guilt itself is a useless emotion. Although, we feel it for a reason. I don't want to be one who base their life on guilt. That isn't me and will never be. I make bad decisions, but I've learned not to regret them. They make me who I am. But, I hate who I am. Should I let regret back in? Is it a necessary emotion if you have self hatred on you?

"Austin, I'm not scared of you, per se. I just know what you're capable of. I know what you can do to me and am over aware of that. That doesn't turn to fear, though. I trust you, just not fully. I do t trust anyone fully, I'm clinging onto time to fix this. So, the real question is do you have the time? Are you willing to wait for me to trust, to become stable, to stand on my own feet, not yours? If you're not, then we can't be us."

Whipping his face, he looked in my eyes.

"I can wait. I have more than enough time."

"Then that's that."