Hypocrisy (Austlan Cashby)

Chapter 26

I've always hated packing, but never really got to live my hatred towards it. For, I've really never had the need to pack because I always stayed at my house. I guess it's how solemn the act is, is why I don't like it.

When I did have everything in my suit case, I sat down, a cool drink by my side.

I've been drinking a lot recently. Actually, it's now considered weird if I don't have alcohol by my side. But, I haven't self harmed, and I don't really think that I will anytime soon. It's definitely not recovery or anywhere close to it, because I'm still super duper sad. Probably as sad as I'll ever get. It's right after the break up, and at the moment it doesn't seem like I'll fully recover from this one.

I still find myself thinking he's with me.

When I go to the store, I write him a letter.

When I cook or get something, I always ask what he wants.

The worse thing and the thing that has to take the most time getting used to would have to be sleeping alone. Before Austin, it was the only way I had known. The empty space was something I didn't have to get used to or cry over. Never would I think that I'd need someone else's heat to get me to sleep.

Therefore, I'm a huge insomniac now. The only way sleep actually gets to me is if I have medicine, and I'm trying to keep an eye on money, so things like that being it down majorly.

Taking out my map, I looked at the easiest way I could get home from here. I knew for sure that I'd be taking a train. That's how me and Austin got to where we got. But, I needed the times of when they ran so everything can be quite scheduled and I could have an exact time of when I need to leave.

Thinking things through once more, I figured I'd need to leave at 8:00 for everything to line up. It'd take 4 hours to get back to my home city, and then about a 30 minute bus ride to get to my house.

But, not only did I have to think about times of arrival and how long it'd take, but I have to think about what I'm going to say when I get there. First of all, I have to be prepared to fight back. One thing that my mom does when she's mad enough, is resort to violence. Especially if she EVER found out I ran away with Austin.

Then, I have to be prepared for questions and straight answers. When a question is asked, I already need to have a lie ready. If everything goes right, I can convince them I was clearing my mind somewhere. Even though that's not a reasonable answer, giving the time that I have been away, it's really all that I have and it's way better than saying I ran off with my ex boyfriend.

Ow, that word hurts. Ex. It's way to harsh coming from my mouth. Sometimes, I like to think he'll come back and we will start over. But, my hidden pessimism comes up and reminds me that he's not coming back, and he made that perfectly clear.

Some days, I consider texting him or contacting him, and I still remember his warning. But, if I can see his face while he beats the shit out of me, then I'd be perfectly fine. Then there's days like today, when I think seeing his face will make me break into one million pieces.

Now I know why they call it breaking up, I'm sure as he'll broken. I can feel in when I walk, the bounce has been ridden from every step. I don't smile often, only when I'm sifting through old memories of me and him.

He made me happy, but now he's gone. So, what am I going to do? Just be sad? Can I even find a replacement for Austin? Lord knows that's impossible, I'd see Austin in everything they did.

Sighing, I made my way to the train station. The walk there was as depressing as the rest of my life. I don't over analyse nature like I used to. My mind wanders else where.

God, I hate this. I hate looking back on old memories or looking at different things he said to me. I hate remembering his eyes or his teeth. I hate remembering the way he'd talk to me. I hate remembering the way he looked at me. I just hate him. I hate him for pushing me through this much shit, only for me to be broken at the end. I messed up, I'm sorry. Can he tell that I'm cracking? Can he tell that I need him for me to be okay again? I'm not okay, I'm really not. This WILL be one of those things that haunts me in future relationships. He's just another story I'll tell them. When were talking about past relationships or are trying to yank sympathy out of each other, I'll mention his name. Oh god, I won't go in detail though. Lord knows ill burst into broken tears if I do. Wow, he made me broken. I hate him. I hate myself. I hate myself. (A/N haha, I hate to say this isn't about Austin but about my ex)

Wow, the walk to the train station left me in tears. Walking to the train that was about to leave, I purchased my ticket and ran on board.

I could've sworn Austin was on the train, but it was just another boy with the same hair cut.

God, I miss him so much.