Hypocrisy (Austlan Cashby)

Chapter 6

Six months, I have been "asleep" for six months. I feel everyday go by so it's not a surprise that it's taken me this long to wake up. But, today was the day and I could tell it in my heart beat. I could feel my heart beat. I've grown used to feeling nothing and the simple pounding of my heart makes me want to jump up. But I can't now, baby steps Alan, baby steps.

Then came the feeling of fabric, my hand was on a blanket with a rough surface. No other than the familiar texture of cheap hospital blankets that always smell like off brand laundry detergent. I wanted to run my fingers over the blanket but I wasn't that far yet. Feeling is something almost new to me. I've been lifeless for way to long.

Smelling came next, I could smell Austin's over priced cologne. I could smell my moms coffee but there was one smell I couldn't put my finger on. It was a mixture of dirt and axe. Knowing that the doctors were sterile as fuck, it couldn't be one of them. But who else would see me? Who would want to be in the same room as the kid with a failed suicide attempt scrawled all over him? With the kid who is excited at feeling and smelling things?

All at once, I could move. I could see. I could hear. Not for long, but long enough to see where the smell was coming from. He was from a photograph on our fridge. The all to familiar clean cut with wrangler jeans and a crooked smile.

It was my dad.

Now, I've never seen him in real life but my mom used to cry over a picture of him. This was when we cared about eachother. When I'd walk in there and pat her back, scowl at the man who was making her cry. I couldn't scowl, I couldn't speak. But it was him in the flesh and blood, standing before me. The surprising thing is that I wasn't filled with resentment. After all, I was living off of opinions from my mom, the one who gave me bruises. If I was him I'd run away too. Unlike him, I'd have the decency to take my kid too. Save him from the hands of the crazy bitch.

Although, things didn't work out that way and I was left smothering under a person who was incapable of love. Left wishing for footsteps to follow in, but instead made my own crawling marks. I should call him selfish, a prick, introverted but I couldn't. I didn't know his reasoning for leaving on such a short notice, mom never got that far into the story without shutting down and telling me to go to my room so I don't see her cry, again.

The other reason was because words haven't wrapped there way around my tongue yet, but I could feel them start to. I could open my eyes. I saw them mouth words, but it was like the volume as all the way turned down.

But, quickly it came back and the panicked cries of the people around me flooded my ears. Now where is the mute button again?

"Calm down." It was really all I could say, but it shut them up. It's like they were clinging onto my words. They wanted me to say something else but I just couldn't.

"Austin here, everyone leave." My voice cracked. Everyone left and austin gave me the water than was conveniently placed right beside me.

With a few throat clears and swigs of water, I could talk just fine.

"Why is my dad here?" I asked, angrily. Who could blame me? I've never seem the man in my life. In all honesty, I didn't know if I should hate him or love him? Accept him or tune him out? I guess it all depends on me spending time with him to see the person he is and isn't. See who this man really is.

I wonder what I get from him. From what I've seen, the hair colour is similar, as for the smile. We're both pale, but he's way tanner. I'm the palest of the pale. Like, the pale princess, bitch.

"He came when he heard that you were in the hospital. Alan, he rushed up here for you. He's a really good person." Austin said, pulling me out of my thoughts. I snorted, putting my sassy side up for everyone's concern.

"Oh yeah, he's just amazing." I scoffed, causing Austin to roll his eyes and ignore my sarcastic remark. He didn't say anything after that, leaving an awkward silence behind. Austin shifted between both of his feet, biting the inside of his cheek, debating what to say.

"Alan, I thought you were going to die." Austin finally said, breaking the silence. "Me too." I whispered. Then came the little dots in his eyes as they glassed over, but austin shook off the wimpy side of him and replaced it with fury.

"How could you be so selfish to try to end your life, did you ever think of me, of us?!" He shouted, stepping closer, to only step back so he didn't do anything he'd regret. Oh, how I hope he would just hit me. Make me feel something for once, dammit. Anything.

"I did, that's all I thought about, that's the reason I've lasted as long as I have." I admitted. His head dropped, and he met my gaze. No light in his eyes. Just this dark pool. I couldn't even get lost in them anymore.

"Alan, I can't help you." Austin confessed. "I can't fix you and I'm done trying, you won't accept help!" He shouted furiously. Of course I wouldn't accept help. No one could help me. Everyone knows my view. I have to accept my own help. Build this relationship with myself, before I got anyone else's help.

"Okay." I said, just to agree. It was a simple reply for a conversation I didn't want to be in. "Okay? Alan, you're going to get help. My girlfrien-" I stopped him there. "Your girlfriend?" I asked, cutting him off.

"Yes Alan, my girlfriend, Amber's, best friend is an amazing therapist. You're going to get through this." He assured, although nothing was reassuring with this new information. "What about us? We were together." I asked.

"Alan, you can't love. I tried but you can't. We both need to move on. It's the be-"

"Don't you fucking dare say it's the best for us because that's such a lie. Get out Austin."

"But Ala-"

"Get out, now." I said firmly. He got the hint but slammed the door on the way out. The sound was still ringing in my ears.

That's the day that I lost myself.